Receiving Help to Let Go and Grow

Letting go is such an important ingredient in the recipe of our growth. Without the ability to let go, we risk becoming blocked by our own resistance. Resistance is a challenging but normal reaction to growth and change. And in perfect design, we are also provided with a natural "balancer," like a circuit breaker, for when the voltage of our resistance gets too full. Letting go is the instinctive mechanism for relieving this pressure and keeping the fullness where it is most needed to guide our growth – in connection to our experiences, rather than in resistance to them.

As a way to maximize our ability to release and let go, we must challenge ourselves to learn how to receive help. It can sound so simple in words, but accepting help is one of the most difficult experiences for people to allow. Yet, the fact of the matter is that each and every one of us is born with the genuine need to receive help in order to grow. We cannot do all the growing we need to do in a lifetime all by ourselves, all on our own, not if we intend to develop, change and mature into our fullest potential. So it turns out to be extremely central to the success of our growth that we be able to receive the help we need so we can learn to let go.

To our advantage, we are born with the innate ability to receive. As infants, we are dependent upon receiving assistance to meet our basic needs. Even at this very young age, we are being programmed in how to interact with receiving. We are learning to discern whether the resources of assistance are scarce or abundant – if we can depend upon the consistent availability of help, or if we instead need to fight our way through a maze of uncertainties and obligations. This is the time that, ideally, we are learning to believe in the sincere act of giving that will plant the seeds for growing trust throughout the rest of our lives.

Since this initial programming is not a constant for everyone, we must accept that the full scope of this responsibility rests with each one of us to continue learning how to receive the help we need. Symptoms are a great reminder that we are in need of bringing more presence to our experience. Symptoms are the body's way of sending a signal for help to the conscious part of our brain, giving us a chance to respond by assessing our options and taking action toward relief. Sometimes, a simple shift in the way we're paying attention to our needs is the action that's most needed. Becoming more aware of how we care for ourselves is always the "right" response; and, at times, our symptoms will challenge us to reach beyond ourselves for the guidance we need to bring relief.

Here is where the process of receiving help has gotten muddled. As mainstream medical philosophy has continued to promote pharmaceutical solutions, the more immediate focus of relieving pain has circumvented the natural process of learning to receive help. Instead of taking the steps toward receiving true help, we have learned to reach for drugs of all kinds that promise us relief. And the more that we take this intervening action, rather than learning how to respond to our unmet needs, we confuse our ability to recognize true relief – which distinguishes itself with the effect of opening us into expanded states of growth and freedom rather than only mitigating the pain. There is necessary support in easing pain; however, so much possibility is lost as we inhibit our real potential for growth by making this our primary focus. The purpose of mastering this process of receiving is to bring about the safety we need for increasing our ability to feel ourselves in a more whole way, which naturally leads us to new opportunities of letting go and receiving goodness.

The steps of this process are simple, so simple that they may seem apparent enough to not need explanation or instruction. But, I think that sometimes, when things are so simple, we assume that somehow everyone "just knows" what to do. I really do wish that this was a reasonable assumption to make. However, much of the distress and suffering that I see comes from people not being connected enough to this simple information. Being "connected" to it means that you have integrated this understanding in a way that influences you to create daily routines for nurturing your growth and supporting change. So, I invite you to take the time to review the simple steps of this process for receiving the help you need:

                             
                              Step 1:   BECOME AWARE of your need for help.

                              Step 2:   ACKNOWLEDGE your need for help.

                              Step 3:   ASK for the help you need.

                              Step 4:   RECEIVE the help you need.

(Note: I'm offering the somatic components of each step for those who are ready to jump in and explore their experience.)

BECOME AWARE of your need for help     (Focused Attention + Breath)

How can you start to notice when your effort becomes forceful, which can easily produce strain, and then transform into struggle? To "become aware" means to pay attention, to observe yourself. The objective is to respond to your need for help before you begin to struggle. This is the point where your nervous system can get stuck in overwhelm. A response of relief is required. And, if assistance isn't received, then prolonged struggle will give way to increasing levels of distress that quickly break down into suffering – a deeper state of disconnection that leaves us feeling lost. The longer we go without responding to this cascade, the more necessary it is to mediate our loss of autonomy with external support.

How can we respond to ourselves with relief in the moment and shift the momentum away from the spiral of suffering? Your breath is always with you, and through it, you have the power to make this shift. You can make a conscious action to bring your focused attention to your breathing – sensing the rise and fall of your inhales and exhales – so that your brain can reconnect its awareness to your body. First, simply notice where you are breathing. Your breathing is meant to move your body in an obvious way, and when we become tense, our muscles can constrict enough that it makes us breathe less. If you can't notice any movement as you breathe, then this is a good reminder that you need to pause and take some deeper breaths. Visualize how a balloon fills up with air and deflates as the air releases to help you find the spot on your body that moves the most as you breathe. Then, place hand-over-hand on the place that's moving the easiest. This gives your brain extra feedback through your touch so your conscious mind can refocus on the support of your breath. Your mind needs this ability to perceive your breath in a feel-able way in order to bring about relief.

ACKNOWLEDGE your need for help     (Focused Attention + Breath + Sound)

Continue to utilize the support of your senses to assist you in getting the help you need. Use your ability to vocalize and put sound to your awareness. Start making some sound on your exhales, like a sigh. Practice letting the air of your exhale move through your throat and naturally vibrate your vocal cords. Rather than blowing out the air as you exhale, experiment with stretching your jaw open, relaxing your lips, and feeling the air release – like you do when you yawn. Allow yourself to get used to the sounds inside you. If this feels foreign, then practice making vowel sounds as you exhale. The more that you allow your sounds to come out when you are less distressed, the easier it will be to access those sounds when you are truly in need of help. Our sounds are there to help us "speak up" or "cry out" for the help we need.

ASK for the help you need       (Focused Attention + Breath + Sound + Words)

The words are as simple as "I need help." Practice saying these words when you're not in distress so they feel more familiar and friendly to use as support when you need them. Remember that it's not important to know exactly who to ask. Start by speaking your need out loud, so you can hear yourself. Practice listening to yourself in the way that you want others to listen to you. Keeping asking for help until someone responds. Ask everyone you know, and then ask them to ask others they know. When a need is allowed to be heard, a response will eventually come, so don't give up. It's also not important to know what kind of help you need at this point. The sooner you respond to your escalating disconnection, the more it is possible that simply saying these words out loud can release most or all of the buildup of pressure and bring you needed relief.

RECEIVE the help you need   (Focused Attention+Breath+Sound+Words+Actions)

Reviewing the associations you have with needing help and receiving help is a valuable action that you can take. The insights from this self-review can free you to rechoose what "help" means to you, rather than what it has meant to your mother, father and family. For example, do you identify with "needing help" as a sign of failure? "I feel like such a failure that I can't handle this on my own" – as if you are being exposed as a disappointment? Or do you relate to "needing help" as a sign of weakness? "If I was strong enough, smart enough, good enough, I wouldn't need any help" – as if your worth is being called into question? Or do you get trapped in shame when someone offers you help – "I don't need your pity." It's too easy to shut out true generosity and support when we act from the habit of protecting ourselves at all costs. Failure, disappointment and inadequacy are all states of disconnection that keep us confused about our real capacity to be fully potent in how we live our lives. Receiving help is the medicine that clears this confusion from the mind and restores our capacity to express ourselves from love.

It is possible that you can learn to understand your need for receiving help in a new way – one that can lead you in a different direction toward a fresh experience. Can you allow yourself to imagine that needing help is a sign of your growing wholeness that tells you it's time for change? "Because I am ready to grow, now is the right time to receive the help I need so I can assist myself in making the best possible changes for my life and my future." You can choose to re-associate how you relate to your need for help, which will ultimately cause you to make new decisions and take new actions. These new connections have the power to reorient your compass and alter your course, bringing a spark of brilliance into your inspired ability to create a new direction for your life – one that leads to discovering the joy in receiving the help you need, so you can really let go … and grow beyond your expectations!