Permission Through Small Measures of Presence

I continue to see that our inability to give ourselves permission for what we really want and need is a true undercurrent to so many of the “self-defeating” behaviors and chronic dissatisfaction that we experience in life.  One of the most common stumbling blocks is the fear of allowing ourselves to have too much permission – feeling anxious that we will transform into unruly children, running amok without supervision, acting from our urges without regard to the consequences.  Our ego selves are susceptible to being dominated by these intense urges – this is the “all-or-nothing” part of us.  And it is the potential for this kind of imbalance that highlights why it is so imperative that we strive to grow stronger in our whole sense of self so as to provide ourselves with better guidance for making choices.

 

The ego self, as clarified by Freudian psychology, is the part of our mind that we use for planning, expressing control and conforming to reality.  It also helps us to develop as individuals, making distinctions from ourselves and others as a way to discover our own sense of importance and worth.  We can fall into imbalance when our egos play too much or too little of a part in our identity.  Balance is naturally supported when our ego selves are held in relationship to a larger, more whole state of awareness about ourselves. The different parts provide stability within the whole by being in relationship to one another so that they can grow in relationship to each other. 

However, this is where we often get stuck.  Different parts of us sometimes hold opposing perspectives – differing thoughts and feelings that create conflict within us.  This sense of conflictedness holds us back from being able to respond to the real needs and desires that allow us to grow as individuals.  We can become so conflicted from not having the permission to respond to what we know we need, that we, instead, shut down to even listening to ourselves with the idea that “it’s easier to just not know.”

The challenge is that those communication signals don’t go away just because we stop listening.  They get re-routed, and as the Self gets thrown out-of-balance from this build-up of unexpressed growth, our egos begin to merge these re-directed signals into their habitual “all-or-nothing” view of life.  We have a sense that something needs our permission, but with our inner cues in chaos, we’re prone to misinterpretation.  Instead of giving ourselves the permission we need to not have so much pressure, we offer in its place the permission to over-indulge in outlets of relief.  As an alternative to giving ourselves permission to not be so vigilantly in control of life, we instead determine that it’s okay to ingest things that alter our brain chemistry so we feel like we’re getting a break.  Rather than giving ourselves permission to ask for help, we give ourselves the substitute of staying up too late watching TV or being on the internet.  We are trying our best to respond because we do get that a response of some kind is warranted.  We just can’t seem to untangle the signals so that we hear the messages clearly.  Even if we do reconnect with the message that we need and want something more, we still have to face the original challenge of our unresolved conflicts.

Where do we go from here?  Reconnecting our awareness to this cycle of growth is the first step.  Recognizing that you are stuck in not being able to give yourself the permission you need is a powerful place to stand as a starting point.  Then you can begin to allow a dialogue to occur between the different parts that are stuck in conflict.  Start by choosing to listen – listen to each side’s perspective as you would if two people you cared about were in a conflict.  Write down what you hear, with the agreement to not change anything about the way you hear it.  Listening comes before interpreting, and listening is about accepting the expression as it is.  Once you’ve listened and repeated what you’ve heard by writing it down, then you can step back and ask, “What kind of permission is really being asked for here?”  For example, wanting permission to ask for help is really a request to be more connected and have more ease in the way you live your life.  The desire for permission to have less pressure is really an unacknowledged need to take a break from proving yourself and relax into the knowing that your value is constant, that you are enough.  The longing for permission to not have to be in control all the time is really a request to feel more safety – to trust that your life is guided with purpose and it’s not all up to you.

So, what kind of permission do you really need to give yourself today?  Equally, what kind of permission do you really need to receive from yourself today?  In what way do you need to know that it is okay to feel, to see, and to have more in life?  If you’re not yet able to fully get behind whatever it is that you find in response to these questions, consider offering yourself a small helping of permission to want what you want and need what you need.  If you can’t change your direction in this moment, then simply practice being with yourself in a new way, allowing yourself to be aware that a part of you desires, craves, and maybe even aches for more wiggle room – to breathe a little deeper, to relax its defenses and drop its weight a little more fully into this moment of life.  Just be aware that this part of you yearns to be received.  Even small measures of presence can go a long way to mending the rifts inside us and melting our resistance to love.

Creative Clarity SUCCESS STORIES!

Creative Clarity Life Coaching
Stephanie Fabela Tognetti

CLIENT TESTIMONIALS and SUCCESS STORIES

"Stephanie is very intuitive.  She's one of the few who really listens and really sees.  She speaks my language and is somehow able to point out what I am experiencing on a subconscious level, bringing what has been hidden to the light.  Externally, my world has changed since working with Stephanie – a new home, new business, new relationship, and more.  These changes are reflected internally as reintegrating the rejected aspects of myself, becoming whole, and birthing a new viewpoint with no evidence. I am so very grateful!"

D.Z., Boulder CO

"Stephanie's ability to observe, nurture and connect with the human body-mind is extraordinary!  By helping me connect with my own internal resources, she has supported me in moving through periods of profound transformation with courage, authenticity and a sense of appreciation for what already is.  She listens with an open heart and holds the space for even the most guarded body-mind parts to come out into the light and be met with grace and acceptance.  Stephanie has a keen awareness of the subtle body and uses S.R.I. techniques with a level of refinement that can only be developed through years of experience.  She consistently brings me into the present moment!"              

M.K., Boulder CO

"My work with Stephanie has facilitated one of my life's most profound shifts and one of my steepest learning curves!  Her friendship and presence in my life is one that is truly unparalleled.  She has been a proverbial hand to hold, an encouraging presence urging me forward, helping me say 'yes' to myself.  Stephanie has been a grounding, ever-present and ever-expansive voice in my head and heart over the past nine months since I began my work with her.  I spent only three months working with her in person, and have since continued my communication with her long distance.  The consistent commitment to my process has proved to be as rare as it has been transformative.  With continued precision and generosity, she will find the thread of truth in a series of rambling, cluttered thoughts, and will mirror back to me my heart's own message.  Her guidance has brought me, again and again, back to myself."        

S.L., Philadelphia PA
   

"Every session with Stephanie is unique and powerful. Whether I'm reconnecting with my body or uncovering an emotional plug, I experience a sense of release and freedom that I can then carry forward into my life. She provides a safe and comfortable environment to explore my own somatic connection, and with Stephanie's support, the exploration and healing are brought into conscious awareness as well. I highly recommend Stephanie to anyone seeking to get better acquainted with the freedom the body and breath have to offer from the physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental hang ups that lie within."

J.A., Boulder CO

"Through the SRI process, particularly the breath-work, we were able to find a place I could be present in my body when facing discomfort and fear around changes in my life.  I was able to see that my all wadded up feeling was a call for self-care that has opened a whole new connection to all that I have to be grateful for and what I want to focus on creating in my professional and personal relationships.  Stephanie's unique ability to identify and grasp the unraveling thread at the edge of the limiting story I was telling about myself created an awareness that years of professional counseling did not attain."

D.F., Boulder CO

"Stephanie has a wonderful understanding of people and circumstances that goes beyond the limits of historical facts, unearthing the reality of true motivations and desires. She has supported me through some of life's most challenging moments and has also been there to celebrate my most joyous.  I think of her as a friend and as family, and also as a guide ~ illuminating this journey and facilitating growth, encouraging my every step along the way."

D.E., Ventura CA

"I have worked with Stephanie for several years now in my own journey of creative transformation and healing.  Stephanie has guided me on a magical journey toward a new way of being in the world.  Stephanie's deep earthly wisdom has taught me to work with my body, breath and movement to process life's challenges and embrace life's celebrations."            

B.H., Boulder CO

 

TOM felt stifled by his own emotional pain and the on-going suffering he observed in the world around him every day.  This daily pain absorbed his focus, leaving him exhausted.  Eventually, his body felt consumed with a variety of confusing symptoms.  He was becoming less able to function and considering medication for depression.  He couldn't let go of control, but was quickly losing control over the quality of his life and well-being.  With the support provided in six months of somatic guidance and coaching, he was able to fully grieve, which provided the letting go he needed to release his pain and restore his sense of freedom.  His mind was finally peaceful and he could feel joy again.  The world around him hadn't changed, but he found the inner-connection to express his own vitality unconditional to the circumstances that were out of his control.

ELLEN had a heavy feeling in her body about the guilt she carried from the past.  Her children were grown, but she still felt ashamed about her sense of limitation and inability to be available for her children while they were growing up.  As she remained stuck and unable to grieve, she continued to miss out on the present moments of being there for her children now.  Over the next year, she utilized the invaluable support of somatic guidance and coaching to help her re-open her heart so that she could find forgiveness, for the past & for herself.  She began to participate in her children's lives, being the mother she had always dreamed of being.  Making peace with herself in this way, she was able to be present for her children and discover new ways of expressing her love for them.  She found the self-connection that allowed her to bring her physical and emotional availability to her relationships, and as a result, receive the blessings that were already in her life.

JOANNE was facing breast cancer at a time in her life when she was in a great deal of transition.  She had just survived a divorce and was living alone.  She had some contact with her two grown daughters, however family friction from the past provided ongoing complications in their relationships.  She had spent so much energy "surviving" everything in her life that she didn't know what to do with herself now.  She was emotionally exhausted and physically burdened by a cascade of symptoms and pain.  Following six months of consistent somatic guidance and coaching, she was able to repair her relationships with both daughters, allowing for a renewed intimacy that served as a new bond of friendship and support in all their lives.  She was able to forgive herself and accept her body's journey as a gift.  She now felt ready to contribute to the lives of her children and grandchildren from a place of courage and strength.

ERIC was on medication because he felt unable to focus, make decisions or move forward in his life.  He had been tested for ADD and bi-polar.  He considered himself "functional," liked his work and had maintained a romantic relationship.  But he was living in a rut, feeling stuck and without passion for his life.  He imagined it could be different, that he could be different.  Over the next eight months of somatic guidance and coaching, we worked together in partnership with his psychiatrist, reducing his medication to the lowest dosage.  Within 10 months, he had gained the emotional stability, mental clarity and physical vitality to live medication-free.  With this newly-found freedom, he felt able to take an action that was inspired from his new sense of alignment.   He married the woman he loved and fulfilled his long-held dream of recording his music.   

JULIE had a professional focus she enjoyed but a burdensome relationship to her business and daily life.  She felt creatively stuck and was unclear as to how to bring her best to everything that was important in her life.  She felt immersed in her sense of limitation and responsibilities rather than energized by her passion and inspiration.  She was an excellent teacher but had become exhausted by how much effort everything in her life required.  With a dedicated year of focused somatic guidance and coaching, she was able to reconnect with her lightness and joy, allowing her to understand what had been missing in her work and self expression.  With this inspiration intact, she reorganized her business and life priorities and found a new, more sustainable way to give to others while caring for her own needs as well.

DYLAN was a four-year-old boy who had started complaining of back pain.  His parents had taken him to the doctor, and nothing was found to be wrong.  He was taken to see a chiropractor, and his spine checked out healthy.  During this time, he continued to complain about his body pain and had started holding himself awkwardly when playing and running to accommodate the pain.  A friend suggested that his parents consider the somatic connection of his emotional congestion playing out as body symptoms.  Dylan's parents were open to this idea, but didn't know where to go from here.   They were referred to Creative Clarity for support.  
     Dylan's father brought him to his first somatic session. As I touched Dylan's body, I recognized the tension being stored in his low-to-mid back and was able to translate an unacknowledged "conversation" in his body around his unmet needs.  As I put a voice to this tension, I instructed Dylan's breathing to help him make his own connections with his body's needs. Spontaneously and naturally, both he and his father began to gently release the tension of this unacknowledged disconnection that was affecting them both.  New awareness was allowed to develop between them and within each of them, resulting in Dylan feeling safe to reconnect with his body.  As I guided him in moving his body in more unstructured ways, Dylan's instincts turned back on.  He started to move his limbs, allowing himself to stretch, wiggle and bend, until he found his own connection to the stored energy in his backside and naturally dissipated it through his movement.  Both Dylan and his father left this first session with a greater degree of lightness.

     The following week, the father reported that Dylan had barely complained about his back pain in the past week and was moving around in his playtime much more freely.  They had both been doing their homework exercises together, giving each of them the support they needed as individuals, while at the same time regaining their connection with one another.  Dylan's mother shared that the shift with her youngest son had helped the whole family feel more at ease.

The In-Between Spaces

It keeps catching my attention how we have a collective preference for particular parts of the growth process. It makes complete sense to me why we "prefer" to be in the focused, patient, grateful and calm spaces of our experience. I understand why we want to be seen as standing in the opening of harnessed potential. This yield of personal power plants us on stable ground. And when given the opportunity to expose ourselves, we are clearly met with greater receptivity when we share from these more accessible places. But what do we do with ourselves when we are in-between these places? Collectively, we try our best to avoid being too immersed in the discomfort of the 'in-between' spaces, those gaps of transition where life seems to unravel, prompting us to feel anxious and uncertain about sharing these happenings with one another. All this effort to avoid passes along the message, "You better not go there! People won't like it; they won't know how to relate to you. Just be "normal," and say 'everything's okay.' Whatever you do, don't act too disoriented."

But really, that's all it is – disorientation. And yet, we've made it up to be this space of instability that is unsafe and scary, reminding each other to stay in the 'positive' and not give into the 'negativity.' We've become convinced that disorientation will lead us to a place where we have no control – rather than recognizing that this space is where we no longer need the control that keeps us attached and resistant. Disorientation is a natural part of the growth process. It is these 'in-between' spaces of disorientation that give us the fuel for change. And when we don't have the skills to utilize these tools, then we are subjugated to the extreme swings of the emotional pendulum that offer us the limited markers of judgment and comparison to measure our experiences – good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative, love/hate, gain/loss, etc. Pause for a moment to reflect upon which extremes you have employed because you were unable to be present with the 'in-between' spaces of your experience.

It is a powerful tool to be able to openly acknowledge your disorientation. Sometimes, it's enough to acknowledge it with yourself by stating aloud: "I feel disoriented," or "I am disoriented right now." Aligning your conscious attention with what you are experiencing in the moment allows you to bring the power of acceptance into your awareness – to crystallize the wisdom that's needing to be extracted. Many people are challenged by the idea that if they bring their attention to what they are feeling, and it's not a feeling that they want to be having, then by acknowledging it, they are emphasizing and validating it – that by giving their "acceptance" to it, they are agreeing with it and inviting it to stay. But what's the other side of acceptance? Resistance – which is a polarized state of attraction that needs to keep a vigilant focus on what it is resisting in order to maintain its opposition. Therefore, the experience that you "don't want to be having" has to remain intact – because it's your point of attachment.

Your acceptance is a form of agreement, but not agreement for things to stay the same. The spirit of nature is change. You can do your best to resist this natural order, but change will still take place. Your willingness to acknowledge your disorientation brings you into conscious partnership with the nature of life. It allows you to be in alignment with the part of you that is needing to grow. Once you can allow yourself to make this connection, your state of consciousness can integrate the understanding that's needed and can then be transformed. At this point, this state of focused intensity is no longer needed, and is therefore released.

So, what does disorientation look like? It covers a portion of the emotional range that every human being experiences. It's not the more pleasant aspects of our emotional capacity, but remember that these are the experiences that give us the fuel to move in-between the extremes – offering a more efficient and thorough path of movement toward change. Think about the difference between plane travel & car travel. They each use a different kind of fuel and offer a different form of transport – movement – between here and there. Plane fuel burns hotter, with more intensity. It requires a more concentrated state of interaction but provides the more organized and effective path to create a shift in our location. Driving is different in the way it utilizes fuel, consuming more resources of time, effort, and attention to eventually transfer you to a new location, often in a more depleted stated in need of recovery. Car travel is like using the extremes to cause growth. The 'in-between' spaces of emotion burn hotter as fuel, and are definitely the more intense aspects of our experience to be present with, but this is also the most resourceful and effective path for growing.

We need to learn how to allow ourselves to go into states of disorientation with more acceptance – the 'in-between' spaces of agitation, impatience, frustration, annoyance, dissatisfaction, unsettledness, uncertainty and restlessness. These states of emotion bring us into questioning, so we can examine our motives, beliefs, expectations, and the results that we create from these undercurrents. They help us to build internal heat for making changes. We need this fuel to get "fed-up" with the way things are in our lives, so we will feel compelled to take risks and move beyond the familiar. We need to feel the impetus to lift our heads and look around at all the possibilities in life, and to question, "What else is possible?" We need to feel the desire to examine our wants, rather than assuming we're the same as everyone, even the same as ourselves in the past. It is essential that we be able to culminate our generalized feelings into a specific response, like when we can finally realize that we've had enough. This is part of our manifestation toolbox. It is part of our innate ability to become aware of ourselves in a new way that can cause us to realize a new way of interacting with our lives. It's how we learn that just because things don't feel "good," it doesn't automatically mean that they are "bad," and that we don't have to make things "wrong," including ourselves, in order to cause change to make life "right" for us. By bringing acceptance to our disorientation, we pull toward ourselves the change that we are craving. This unlikely combination, of disorientation and acceptance, brings volume to the voice that reminds us of our need for change.

The 'in-between' spaces will run their natural course as we give ourselves over to the movements of change. It's an interesting duality of finally connecting with your power while ultimately letting go. These spaces are the hallway between the places where we re-orient to life and express what's next. This reorganization process is not passive, even though you are being asked to let go and allow it. It is a space of transition, which is interactive by nature. Consider the word transition – "a process or period in which something undergoes a change and passes from one state, stage, form or activity to another."1  This an opening for exchange, a conversion process leading to the evolution and advancement of the life that is within you.

So, how does it support us to continue to relate to disorientation as an embarrassing gap in the coherence of life, where we hide how we're really doing from the world? I don't find this way of relating to be congruent with the love that we are capable to extending to one another, nor the love that we are in need of receiving. I'm advocating for a new way of holding acceptance for these 'in-between' spaces. I'm urging you to openly acknowledge your disorientation, and bring the strength of your agreement to this part of your experience. Give yourself permission to be seen and heard in this place, without the posturing of shame that usually makes us withhold from others while we withdraw from life to feel bad about ourselves. Bring your gratitude into your disorientation – a little joy can go a long way to help you stand in this purifying space.

It can be intense, the waiting and the emptiness, as you feel the astringent sting, and sometimes the deep burning, of being cleared out and cleaned out with the ways you used to be. But this is the nature of growth – to destroy and then give birth, and to impart its gifts fully and completely, without the small-minded consideration of pleasantries. It comes in service with a pledge of faithfulness to take us all the way with integrity and precision. And we simply get to choose – with the offering of our acceptance or the act of our resistance. Because growth has a mission, and it installs in us the mechanisms for its success if we open ourselves to accept. It moves us into the chaos long enough to become lost enough to release our attachments. And if we're willing to be led into this hallway, into the 'in-between' spaces, then we will never become lost to our truest connections of purpose and creation. If we can redefine the disorientation as a part of the energy that guides us to heal and grow, then we can utilize this conduit like a worm-hole to move through the 'in-between' spaces with the blessings of genuine receiving and the deepest commitment to the wellness of our being as we travel the journey of life.

¹Encarta Dictionary

Receiving Help to Let Go and Grow

Letting go is such an important ingredient in the recipe of our growth. Without the ability to let go, we risk becoming blocked by our own resistance. Resistance is a challenging but normal reaction to growth and change. And in perfect design, we are also provided with a natural "balancer," like a circuit breaker, for when the voltage of our resistance gets too full. Letting go is the instinctive mechanism for relieving this pressure and keeping the fullness where it is most needed to guide our growth – in connection to our experiences, rather than in resistance to them.

As a way to maximize our ability to release and let go, we must challenge ourselves to learn how to receive help. It can sound so simple in words, but accepting help is one of the most difficult experiences for people to allow. Yet, the fact of the matter is that each and every one of us is born with the genuine need to receive help in order to grow. We cannot do all the growing we need to do in a lifetime all by ourselves, all on our own, not if we intend to develop, change and mature into our fullest potential. So it turns out to be extremely central to the success of our growth that we be able to receive the help we need so we can learn to let go.

To our advantage, we are born with the innate ability to receive. As infants, we are dependent upon receiving assistance to meet our basic needs. Even at this very young age, we are being programmed in how to interact with receiving. We are learning to discern whether the resources of assistance are scarce or abundant – if we can depend upon the consistent availability of help, or if we instead need to fight our way through a maze of uncertainties and obligations. This is the time that, ideally, we are learning to believe in the sincere act of giving that will plant the seeds for growing trust throughout the rest of our lives.

Since this initial programming is not a constant for everyone, we must accept that the full scope of this responsibility rests with each one of us to continue learning how to receive the help we need. Symptoms are a great reminder that we are in need of bringing more presence to our experience. Symptoms are the body's way of sending a signal for help to the conscious part of our brain, giving us a chance to respond by assessing our options and taking action toward relief. Sometimes, a simple shift in the way we're paying attention to our needs is the action that's most needed. Becoming more aware of how we care for ourselves is always the "right" response; and, at times, our symptoms will challenge us to reach beyond ourselves for the guidance we need to bring relief.

Here is where the process of receiving help has gotten muddled. As mainstream medical philosophy has continued to promote pharmaceutical solutions, the more immediate focus of relieving pain has circumvented the natural process of learning to receive help. Instead of taking the steps toward receiving true help, we have learned to reach for drugs of all kinds that promise us relief. And the more that we take this intervening action, rather than learning how to respond to our unmet needs, we confuse our ability to recognize true relief – which distinguishes itself with the effect of opening us into expanded states of growth and freedom rather than only mitigating the pain. There is necessary support in easing pain; however, so much possibility is lost as we inhibit our real potential for growth by making this our primary focus. The purpose of mastering this process of receiving is to bring about the safety we need for increasing our ability to feel ourselves in a more whole way, which naturally leads us to new opportunities of letting go and receiving goodness.

The steps of this process are simple, so simple that they may seem apparent enough to not need explanation or instruction. But, I think that sometimes, when things are so simple, we assume that somehow everyone "just knows" what to do. I really do wish that this was a reasonable assumption to make. However, much of the distress and suffering that I see comes from people not being connected enough to this simple information. Being "connected" to it means that you have integrated this understanding in a way that influences you to create daily routines for nurturing your growth and supporting change. So, I invite you to take the time to review the simple steps of this process for receiving the help you need:

                             
                              Step 1:   BECOME AWARE of your need for help.

                              Step 2:   ACKNOWLEDGE your need for help.

                              Step 3:   ASK for the help you need.

                              Step 4:   RECEIVE the help you need.

(Note: I'm offering the somatic components of each step for those who are ready to jump in and explore their experience.)

BECOME AWARE of your need for help     (Focused Attention + Breath)

How can you start to notice when your effort becomes forceful, which can easily produce strain, and then transform into struggle? To "become aware" means to pay attention, to observe yourself. The objective is to respond to your need for help before you begin to struggle. This is the point where your nervous system can get stuck in overwhelm. A response of relief is required. And, if assistance isn't received, then prolonged struggle will give way to increasing levels of distress that quickly break down into suffering – a deeper state of disconnection that leaves us feeling lost. The longer we go without responding to this cascade, the more necessary it is to mediate our loss of autonomy with external support.

How can we respond to ourselves with relief in the moment and shift the momentum away from the spiral of suffering? Your breath is always with you, and through it, you have the power to make this shift. You can make a conscious action to bring your focused attention to your breathing – sensing the rise and fall of your inhales and exhales – so that your brain can reconnect its awareness to your body. First, simply notice where you are breathing. Your breathing is meant to move your body in an obvious way, and when we become tense, our muscles can constrict enough that it makes us breathe less. If you can't notice any movement as you breathe, then this is a good reminder that you need to pause and take some deeper breaths. Visualize how a balloon fills up with air and deflates as the air releases to help you find the spot on your body that moves the most as you breathe. Then, place hand-over-hand on the place that's moving the easiest. This gives your brain extra feedback through your touch so your conscious mind can refocus on the support of your breath. Your mind needs this ability to perceive your breath in a feel-able way in order to bring about relief.

ACKNOWLEDGE your need for help     (Focused Attention + Breath + Sound)

Continue to utilize the support of your senses to assist you in getting the help you need. Use your ability to vocalize and put sound to your awareness. Start making some sound on your exhales, like a sigh. Practice letting the air of your exhale move through your throat and naturally vibrate your vocal cords. Rather than blowing out the air as you exhale, experiment with stretching your jaw open, relaxing your lips, and feeling the air release – like you do when you yawn. Allow yourself to get used to the sounds inside you. If this feels foreign, then practice making vowel sounds as you exhale. The more that you allow your sounds to come out when you are less distressed, the easier it will be to access those sounds when you are truly in need of help. Our sounds are there to help us "speak up" or "cry out" for the help we need.

ASK for the help you need       (Focused Attention + Breath + Sound + Words)

The words are as simple as "I need help." Practice saying these words when you're not in distress so they feel more familiar and friendly to use as support when you need them. Remember that it's not important to know exactly who to ask. Start by speaking your need out loud, so you can hear yourself. Practice listening to yourself in the way that you want others to listen to you. Keeping asking for help until someone responds. Ask everyone you know, and then ask them to ask others they know. When a need is allowed to be heard, a response will eventually come, so don't give up. It's also not important to know what kind of help you need at this point. The sooner you respond to your escalating disconnection, the more it is possible that simply saying these words out loud can release most or all of the buildup of pressure and bring you needed relief.

RECEIVE the help you need   (Focused Attention+Breath+Sound+Words+Actions)

Reviewing the associations you have with needing help and receiving help is a valuable action that you can take. The insights from this self-review can free you to rechoose what "help" means to you, rather than what it has meant to your mother, father and family. For example, do you identify with "needing help" as a sign of failure? "I feel like such a failure that I can't handle this on my own" – as if you are being exposed as a disappointment? Or do you relate to "needing help" as a sign of weakness? "If I was strong enough, smart enough, good enough, I wouldn't need any help" – as if your worth is being called into question? Or do you get trapped in shame when someone offers you help – "I don't need your pity." It's too easy to shut out true generosity and support when we act from the habit of protecting ourselves at all costs. Failure, disappointment and inadequacy are all states of disconnection that keep us confused about our real capacity to be fully potent in how we live our lives. Receiving help is the medicine that clears this confusion from the mind and restores our capacity to express ourselves from love.

It is possible that you can learn to understand your need for receiving help in a new way – one that can lead you in a different direction toward a fresh experience. Can you allow yourself to imagine that needing help is a sign of your growing wholeness that tells you it's time for change? "Because I am ready to grow, now is the right time to receive the help I need so I can assist myself in making the best possible changes for my life and my future." You can choose to re-associate how you relate to your need for help, which will ultimately cause you to make new decisions and take new actions. These new connections have the power to reorient your compass and alter your course, bringing a spark of brilliance into your inspired ability to create a new direction for your life – one that leads to discovering the joy in receiving the help you need, so you can really let go … and grow beyond your expectations!

Crossing The Invisible Line

As we grow and change, we eventually connect with the need to "take up more space" in our own experiences. We feel the need to expand. This expansion causes a shift in us and in the way we live life. Since our identity provides the container for all our beliefs, perspectives and expectations, this shift has to cause change in the boundaries of our container. This container provides us with a zone of safety that fosters consistency and settledness, as long as our needs are met within these invisible but very real lines. However, as we grow and change, our needs change too. And when these familiar boundaries can no longer sustain our needs, the consistency begins to breed dissatisfaction, and the settledness turns into settling for less than what we want and less than what we deserve. At this point, the comfort of our container quickly transforms into a tangible set of limitations & restrictions that we must either adapt to or find the strength from within to free ourselves.
 

This is a crossroads on the path of life. One road imparts its wisdom with a familiar perspective of resignation – "minimize your needs." From an unspoken obligation that guides us with guilt & shame, we pause to consider whether we should disregard our needs in order to remain small enough to fit our old container. The road that is less taken offers a different option. This other road proposes the intriguing notion of stepping beyond the boundary of the container into unknown territory. As we reach the outer bounds of what we have always known, we face the real possibility of "crossing the invisible line." At this defining edge between old & new, we encounter the fears of our old assumptions & beliefs. Eventually, what previously felt unsafe now rings with clarity inside us, compelling us with newly discovered conviction to keep moving forward. This edge is also the "drop off" spot where we're invited to shed our addiction to smallness and take our first steps onto new soil.
 

To cross this invisible line, we need to harness new strength in our perspective. This is where we need to gain more understanding in how to be successfully stuck. Being successful not only requires us to realize that we are stuck, but also needs us to accept that we are stuck. 'Accepting' means to release the struggle. You may not like your experience of being stuck, but you're actually meant to be uncomfortable at this point in the process. When it's time, your discomfort & agitation will be used to supply your impending actions with the power you'll need for crossing your invisible line.
 

Most of the distress and suffering we associate with stuckness comes from relating to it as a sign of personal failure. Actually, apart from the interpretations we impose upon ourselves, stuckness is simply an opening for new awareness – like how an open window brings in fresh air. It's an opportunity to place a conscious narrative to what you are doing – "If I start here and go to there and can't go any further and don't have the power to change my course, so that all I can do is start over and go from here to there again, and no matter what I try to do different, I end up at the same place, then … I AM STUCK." It's simply an observation of what is. And even though you may have learned to habitually stifle yourself with interpretations of personal failure – How did I end up here again? … What's wrong with me that I keep doing this? – the truth is that being stuck is actually a necessary emotional & intellectual experience that facilitates your self-development. It represents a state of growth within your identity, informing you that your needs have changed, and that you are at a crossroads. This is a time for awareness – which means to notice, observe and be present without pre-assuming what it all means.
 

From here, it becomes a matter of distinctions. You've had to cope in order to minimize your needs and remain in your container. Coping with ongoing compromise causes us to become fragmented, splitting off from the whole of our experience. The adaptation process takes us into one of two coping groups. Each coping group has its own expertise, which is distinct in its expression, but linked in purpose, which is to help us manage the ongoing crisis of compromise. This unending compromise is where our pain is made real, and in the long run, leaves us depleted and in need of relief. Solace is found as we learn how to gain distance from this persistent pain. The need to remain disconnected, as a regular way of coping, eventually evolves into the highly organized art forms of controlling and analyzing.

 
These two ways of coping are so closely related that we really do use them interchangeably. However, you will have a main strategy that you pull toward more compulsively – a skill set that feels more natural. Even though you may have a predilection for one of these ways of coping, or may have developed the opposite skill set because you were hurt by the other side, it's important to remember that each side's efforts emerge from the shared struggle to manage the pain of compromise.
 

Controllers identify more outwardly, relating more to the physical aspects of safety. In the body, this sense of safety translates as TRUST. Although trust can be measured as a situational factor, the kind of trust that matters here is the internal connection to trusting. For a controller, not feeling safe compromises their ability to trust – and not being able to trust makes them feel unsafe. The strain of being trapped in this cyclical pattern is demonstrated in how intensely they become externally fixated in their focus, pushing them into an outward effort of vigilance. This effort is what we know as controlling.

 
Analyzers identify more inwardly, relating more to the mental/emotional aspects of safety. In the body, this sense of safety translates as LETTING GO. This skill can be honed over time; however, it is the internal connection to letting go that makes the feeling of safety real. For an analyzer, not feeling safe interferes with their ability to let go – and not being able to let go makes them feel unsafe. Caught in the struggle of this irresolvable conflict, an analyzer's focus becomes fixated with an inward effort toward minimizing the overwhelm that begins to take over.
 

The habitual use of analyzing is an internalized way of controlling. And the habitual need to be in control is an externalized way of analyzing. So whether the effect expresses as an inward or outward effort, when our awareness becomes disconnected and safety is lost, we fall into the distraction & misery of judgment. Both controlling & analyzing, when used as a way to diminish the fullness of an experience, are simply functions of self-judgment. Judgment is a sign that we've become too separate from ourselves and the whole of our experience. This is when we are in need of a different kind of "medicine."

 
Each coping group has its own "medicine" that prepares the way for crossing the invisible line. You don't have to know how you will cross this line. When you're ready, start by observing what you have been doing so you can recognize with greater clarity, "I'm stuck." Then, proudly declare your alliance with your chosen coping group – "I'm a controller!" or "I'm an analyzer!" Acknowledge it like you are accepting an award for being the best at what you do. Because, the truth is that we are capable of expressing greatness in whatever form we bring our full conviction to – so why not celebrate that courageous part of ourselves? Instead of turning a critical focus inward or outward, bring the clarity of your insight as a light to shine brightly on your self-revelation. Stand strongly and transparently as you make the choice to expose the part of yourself that you have been protecting for so long – "This is what I've been doing." Now is the time to find out how amazing you can be as you bring the power of your conviction into what truly matters most to you.
 

Think of your medicine as your "job" – the place where you need to practice bringing your attention into focus. MY JOB IS TO TRUST … Trusting is the medicine for controlling and draws into us through the full receiving of an inhale breath. MY JOB IS TO LET GO … Letting go is the medicine for analyzing and draws into us through the total releasing of an exhale breath. Bring your focus to whatever aspect of your breathing that feeds you your medicine. You don't have to know how to trust or how to let go. Simply FOCUS and FEEL as you receive your breath in and release your breath out, paying attention to which part of your breath is your key.

 
This key holds the power to open the door in the invisible wall that marks the boundary of your known container. Then, without thinking or knowing how, you will cross the invisible line. It's like life has been waiting for you all along on the other side of this invisible line, just waiting for you to be as big as you can imagine, urging you to grow without limitations into who you are meant to become. So where does your untapped strength lie – in learning to trust or in learning to let go? Are you in need of receiving or releasing as you prepare to cross your invisible line? For me, I will be releasing the exhaustion of my holding and my obligation to remaining small. I will be learning to let go without needing to know how. And I will be surrendering into the relief of a long and luxurious exhale, finding my freedom one delightful breath at a time.

Being a Better Listener: Rebuilding Safety and Trust

In almost every situation we encounter, listening is an essential skill. However, for the most part, we are left to our devices to understand what it means to be a capable listener. Most of our learning unfolds within the family, where the models of communication and listening are often burdened with the same confusion and misunderstandings of the previous generations' struggles. Eventually, we may reach an impasse in our adult lives where the standards of the past fall short in helping us to better understand our needs. In order to create strong and lasting relationships, we must grow and change - which becomes harder to do when we're unable to truly listen to ourselves and those we value most. Our relationships are everything in providing the fuel that helps us grow. This is the understanding that guides us in laying a new foundation for being a better listener.

We use the concept of listening every day; however, it's obvious that we all have different associations and expectations around listening. I'd like to explore some of the assumptions that we make in our understanding of what listening means. The simplest place to start is to ask yourself, "What does it mean to listen?" Listening is a process of paying attention – to focus your attention in a concentrated way. Your attention is always focused in some way, which means that if you are not listening to what is being said, you are paying attention to something else. Listening involves making a conscious effort to hear something. We've all learned to rely upon multiple cues to know if someone is listening. Ultimately, being heard is something that we feel. It's important to know what signals you use to help you know when someone is listening to you. Do you rely on eye contact, verbal responses or silence, body stillness or physical gestures, or facial expressions? How do you know when your listener has gone beyond listening to your words and is understanding you? Think about how it feels when someone who's listening asks you a question to clarify a point you made, or repeats back what you said, or shares a story from their own life that reflects the meaning of your experience. It's helpful to know what makes you feel heard. The feedback from these cues translates as a valuable awareness that we are being "received" by another. Listening offers a way to not only transfer information, but to also transmit our appreciation, acceptance, love and gratitude for one another.

A common way of relating to the concept of listening is to view it as the passive side of a "one-sided" conversation. This concept of being a good listener implies that you will quietly listen while focusing intently on what the other person is saying until they are done. This model of listening can be useful for helping the speaker to create a release or discharge, like in downloading or venting. This type of interaction serves a purpose, but represents only a small portion of the true support that an interactive quality of listening can bring into the context of our daily lives. It usually takes special circumstances to become quiet enough within ourselves so that we can fully apply our concentration to what another person is saying for any length of time past several minutes. Our modern lifestyles don't readily provide the pauses that we need to bring full concentration to our exchanges with others. However, this is the extra effort we make to reflect our care for one another, arranging special times so we can exchange in more focused ways. Sometimes, having someone else be willing to pause with us helps by causing us to slow down enough so we can better listen to ourselves, giving us a chance to unwind and observe how we are managing our current experience.

ACTIVE LISTENING

Even though the more "one-sided" model of listening is useful, we need a practical set of skills that we can use daily for building safety and success as a listener. How can we relate to listening as a more "interactive exchange"? Active Listening is a specific practice of paying attention to the speaker and then asking questions to ensure that you've fully comprehended their meaning. I've applied the concept of active listening to several practice exercises to help you build some new skills with listening. These exercises require your willingness, not mastery. To really give yourself the chance to observe your habits more objectively, follow the specific formats in the beginning. As you build confidence, you are welcome to take more risks and expand beyond these templates. Rebuilding safety and trust is an experiential process – we need to feel that things can be different and that a new outcome is possible. The point in practicing with these simple steps is to increase the consistency and dependability of being heard, enabling us to relax our defenses and be more receptive. This softening allows both people to take more responsibility for the way in which they communicate their needs and desires. Sharing in this way demonstrates an intention to co-create an environment of safety and trust.

Echoing Exercise: You can take your first step into being a better listener with the practice of Echoing. For this exercise, choose a speaker and a listener. Begin with the speaker sharing one or two personal statements – like a new experience you've had, something you're learning about yourself, an important goal or changes that you're ready to make – something meaningful about you. Then, the listener gets the chance to practice repeating back what was said word-for-word.

You will build confidence more quickly as you practice hearing smaller amounts of information with more clarity and precision. To bring more awareness into your transition from speaking to listening, for awhile, acknowledge that you're done and offer a simple validation of your listener's efforts: "Ok, I'm done. Thank you for listening." Positive reinforcement is needed to bolster the sense of personal control that each person possesses to safely and successfully express themselves.

As you increase the time of your exchanges, practice repeating back one or two main thoughts you felt were most meaningful. Increase your exchange times incrementally and allow yourself to become more confident with an increased range of exchange, like 2-3 minutes per person. In difficult situations where there is tension around frustrated communication, both partners may want to make a list of "hot" topics that can be prioritized at a later time when the lines of communication become more calm & stable. In the beginning, you want to practice by sharing in a reflective way, rather than reporting on what you did that day. However, use easier disclosures that hold less emotion for you in the beginning depending on how delicate the situation has become.

Our interpretation responses are very strong and spontaneous, and it can be more challenging than you expect to literally repeat what you just heard. Allow yourself the chance to build confidence with your new listening skills. Be as patient as possible with these first few steps, taking into consideration that each of you is practicing a new kind of reliance on each other's willingness to let go of previous agendas, while learning to become more present with your own experience and within your exchange.

PRACTICING FLEXIBLE BOUNDARIES

Eventually, see what it's like to listen for 5-10 minutes. It can be helpful if the person speaking has a timer or stopwatch so they begin to develop their own sense of time passing in relationship to how much information they're sharing. Occasionally glance at the timer so you are somewhat prepared for the end of your speaking time. This portion of the exercise is for practicing the skills of flexible boundaries. If you're in the middle of making an important point and the timer goes off, finish your thought completely whole still observing your time limit the best you can. If you need a few more minutes to complete your thoughts, ask for the support you need with a simple request, "I need two more minutes of talking time." Do your best to stay within a one to two-minute time extension. Once you've both agreed to a new arrangement, reset the timer and make your best effort to finish within your time. It may seem tedious to take these baby steps while communicating, but the goal is to create a very clear container for simplifying the dynamic range of emotions, thoughts, beliefs and expectations that are all coming together as you build new confidence in your ability to communicate your needs.

As you rebuild safety & trust at this level of listening, you can continue to practice with a more natural pace of conversation. Continue to set up clear expectations around speaking time for awhile. It's important to keep your sharing time-frames small in the beginning so each person can practice finding the words that enable them to speak up for themselves. These smaller steps also help to rebuild safety around the fear of getting overwhelmed with too much information when listening. If you do start to feel overwhelmed while listening, remember to bring your focus to your breathing, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Then, when the speaker is done, say, "I'm starting to get overwhelmed while I'm listening. I need a quick pause to catch my breath. Would you please repeat the most important part of what you wanted me to hear?" Slow your breathing down, like sipping your inhale through a straw, and exhaling all your air out through your mouth. Then, refocus your attention and listen again. Repeat back the most important part of what the speaker wanted you to hear. This is a practice of working together, and asking for the help you need to be successful, and receiving each other's support in a compassionate and cooperative way.

INTENTIAL PAUSES

At the end of each person's speaking time, take an intentional pause to disengage your eye contact and look around the room, or outside into nature, or even close your eyes, and take several deeper breaths, focusing on the sensation of your inhale & exhale. Feel where your breath expands & releases in your body, like in your belly, ribs or chest. If you can't feel your breathing, then bring your hands together onto one of those areas, and focus your attention into the surface where you're touching so it becomes easier to feel. This is an important resetting period that only takes a few minutes. It will help you to release tension and reset your focus. Both speaker and listener need this time to be reflective on what has transpired. Sometimes, feelings release once they've been acknowledged and spoken. This is an important shift for the speaker to notice – so that "letting go" can bring more of the present moment into focus. Sometimes, the listener observes their own experience with more insight. This pause acts as an important reflection time for the listener to create a shift in their own perspective.

At different times while practicing, you may notice that you have more thoughts you need to express than your time allows, and the designated pause may feel like an unwelcomed interruption. Do your best to practice using this "forced" pause for taking some deep breathes to allow your arousal level to settle. Check in with yourself and see if you can hand off the timer and shift into a listening mode. If it feels like you must address these other thoughts immediately, then communicate this urgency to your partner with a request for an additional 1-2 minutes of talk time. Reset the timer, so that your shared boundaries continue to be clear and flexible while also being consistent enough to rebuild trust.

It will be necessary and inevitable for emotional intensity to arise as you start sharing more fully. This will be a perfect time to practice with your flexible boundaries by bringing a softer focus into your listening. Compassion is the remedy for defensiveness. Practice being in your "felt sense" as you listen, which means to open up to a non-judging state of focused attention. Our felt sense is activated when we allow ourselves to be in the experience of what is happening rather than needing to know what is happening. Listening in this setting means to be with the other person, even though you may not know where the conversation is going or what to do to make things better. Practice using the frame of mind that assumes there is nothing more for you to do in this moment than to be present with another person's experience. Simply love them and listen … observe the struggle or pain in their experience, and do your best to give them as much of your attention as possible. The less resistance, and therefore, the more acceptance that we can offer to this experience, the more efficiently the intensity of these emotional states will express and move through, causing a release or promoting a change of some kind.

Eventually, as safety and trust continue to be restored, you can resume the more natural mode of listening through interpretation. However, continue with the practice of active listening as often as possible as a way to deepen the trust in your relationship by externally verifying your interpretations in real time. Take the time to share in your own words what you thought you just heard the other person say, so you can practice receiving the necessary "reality-check" that will help you to know if your interpretations provided a real-time understanding of what was being communicated. With this honest feedback, your interpretations skills will grow stronger, and you'll gain the confidence you need to internalize your interpretations with clearer distinctions. It will always be useful to revisit these tools from time to time in order to stay in practice with your active listening skills.

GIVING ADVICE

Another way that we can lose track of being a better listener is when we give advice rather than actively listen. When we're exposed to another person's experience, we're given an opening to hear more than just their words. We are invited to sympathize – which means to relate through an emotional connection to the speaker's experience – or empathize – which means to identify with the speaker's experience in a way that brings about a deeper understanding. Both of these listening tools give us access to the fuller meaning of what the words represent. This way of listening also gives us an opportunity to hold a mirror to our own experience and reflect inward in a more meaningful way while we listen and feel through the speaker's experience.

Giving advice is a specific communication skill that works well in the specialized scenarios that require it or desire it. However, in your personal exchanges, the assumed offering of advice will eventually block the channels of intimacy and erode the trust that makes those relationships invaluable. Giving advice when it has not been invited or agreed to, especially if done repeatedly, creates confusion from the discrepancy of what we say and do. Our intentions to provide love and support can be easily misconstrued as a need to be in control. When a person is speaking, they are hoping to be heard, so unexpected interjections will naturally build resistance in them as an instinctual way to avoid being controlled. This control may be real or simply perceived; it doesn't matter. The unneeded advice still becomes an obstruction to a successful exchange, producing misunderstanding, and possibly hurt feelings, on both sides.

So what do you do when the urge to give advice is strong, or maybe even a compulsion? All the exercises presented here are meant to assist you in learning the skills you need to respond in new ways. Set up planned scenarios where you can practice and prepare for the more meaningful conversations that will require your new skills to shift the quality of your relationship. Practicing with intentional pauses and focused breathing will set up a template for your brain to recall – a body memory that can help you break down the compulsion to jump in with advice before you have honestly listened to who and what you are advising. Take the time to learn how you can provide guidance as a more satisfying alternative to giving advice. Advice comes from your personal opinion. This opinion is based in your own perception of your judgments, views and experiences. Guidance is more about offering leadership and direction in relationship to the way something is developing. This means that you have to be willing to be in relationship with how things are developing before you can offer new ideas. When unsolicited advice is offered repeatedly, it comes across as self-serving, which ultimately it is, since you are offering information this is based on what has and hasn't worked for you. Recognize that each person has their own discovery process that will help them to understand what will work specifically for them in a way that honors their uniqueness.

When you feel the urge to give advice, use an intentional pause to help you shift your focus to from offering advice to asking a question. If you have the urge "to help," then instead of trying to give in ways that you assume are helpful, simply ask, "Would you like some help with this?" or "I've had some similar experiences. Can I share with you what I've learned?" And be willing for the answer to be 'yes' or 'no' – practice letting it be the other person's choice to receive what you are offering. If you have the urge to tell someone what to do, try asking them what they think they could do in response to their situation. Listen to their ideas first so you know how to offer your experience in relationship to what they may have already worked out for themselves. If they respond that they don't know what to do, tell them you have some ideas that you think could be helpful, and that you'd be willing to share only if they want the support. Continue to intentionally focus on how your breathing feels in your own body so you can keep your attention on your own experience rather than jumping into someone else's "personal space" by filling the conversation with your ideas about their experience. When the conversation becomes filled with your ideas about someone else's experience, it translates as if you are trying to take control from them, right at a time when they are attempting to gain more control for themselves. There can be lingering pain in the misperception that you don't care. The boundaries of trust become unclear, producing the opposite outcome that your caring outreach intended to create. By learning to be a better listener, you can rebuild the safety & trust that will bring the offering of your intended love back into focus.

Ultimately, listening is about loving. We physically demonstrate our love and caring for one another by how we share our resources of time, energy, attention and affection. Listening satisfies in us the longing to be seen and heard, which is a process of witnessing – where we experience the importance of a moment in another human being's life. This shared experience can become a sacred means of exchange to receive the blessings of true connection with one another. I believe that this is one of the most powerful ways that we contribute value to each other's lives. So, although it may seem like a small or challenging gesture in the moment, you hold the power to make a world of difference in another person's life by being a better listener. Safety and trust make loving possible … and as long as we are willing to rebuild the bridge that gives us safe passage across the span of our differences, and make the crossing that brings us back together, then love stands a chance.

Developing the Awareness to Be the Best You

It remains an on-going challenge of mine to clarify for people what I do professionally. Without trying to be fancy about it, I am an "Awareness Guide." The idea of awareness as a commodity seems quite unfamiliar to many people, even though their levels of daily struggle and effort, as well as stagnancy and dissatisfaction demonstrate just how valuable and needed this assistance really is right now. We've all been taught to focus on the outcome, so that's where most of us put our attention when we focus on change. This focus at least helps us to know what we are ready to either move away from or move toward. However, most people do not have the knowledge they need to manage and participate in the process that leads to their desired outcome. This is when it is time to learn something new – about yourself, about your habits, your strategies & coping skills, about the way you think & feel, about what you desire and believe is possible, and how all these factors can bring influence to your outcome. This is the time for receiving guidance, to expedite your progress and bring integration to your results. This is the perfect time to engage the next level of your capacity in the cognitive developmental process that guides every human being toward the fulfillment of their potential. This is a time for developing awareness.

Cognitive development naturally occurs within each individual, yet it also influences the development of our collective consciousness – what we bring agreement and reinforcement to as a society and world. This is the process of how we acquire knowledge through the use of reasoning, intuition and perception – how we organize the information that assists us in navigating our daily lives. In simpler terms, it's the process of how we learn to "connect the dots." These tools give us the ability to recognize patterns and learn new strategies in the way we respond to life, ourselves, others … everything. The recognition of patterns is a natural skill of the nervous system, rather than the mind. The mind can out-smart itself, get confused, or fall under the habitual influence of familiarity and routine. However, with the help of the nervous system, body & mind can learn to coordinate the informational cues that are gained from reasoning, intuition and perception through a much more comprehensive and efficient means. Sensory awareness informs the mind of the subtle nuances that are influencing a particular pattern in the moment, allowing us to adapt and respond to this new information as we become aware of it. Knowledge combined with sensory awareness brings about a new state of consciousness called "connection."

The more we operate from habit, the less connection is needed. In the same way, the more we operate from connection, the less habit is needed – which shows us the path toward breaking through old habits when we have come to the point where they no longer serve us or the trade-off is too costly. When we are in greater degrees of distress, we tend to rely more heavily on habit – though, we do have other options. We are very capable of learning how to tell the difference between the internal states of connection & disconnection. Without this discernment, we risk generating too great a disparity in the way we assess and respond to our needs. For example, you may assess that you need to relax; however, without the self-connection to support your choices, you are likely to generate an interim response as a substitute for the real support you need – like smoking. All you wanted was the support to relax, but your state of disconnection generated a response that also put you at threat for developing an addiction and at risk for disease, while also perpetuating the gap in your self-connection to threatening degrees. The trade-off for this transitory relief comes with too much loss to the self. Your body & mind – your entire being – is meant to resist and defend against too much "loss of self." In somatic terms, this loss of essence is synonymous with the spirit leaving the body. Awareness brings light to our ability to make choices that lead toward death, as well as our capacity to choose life.

Each phase of the developmental process brings a tangible value to the self. The "doing" phase allows us to demonstrate our Self – "This is what I did. You can see it & know it, and I can see it & know it. It is real; I am real." Through "doing-ness," we portray who we want to be, how we want others to know us, and how we want to be valued in a group. These actions help move us along the path between "point A & point B," practicing what it's like to make things happen. This is the process of actualizing, making ourselves real. The mind likes this range of expression because it is visible, measurable, substantial, and easily translates into a sense of significance. We need this quality of importance to be real, so that the meaning of who we are can translate into the meaning of the lives we live. We need to know that this meaning is valid, even in the most basic way – we need to know that we matter enough to be alive.

While this basic need for significance is a driving rhythm in the courses we chart for ourselves, the momentum of the developmental process keeps us moving forward into new levels of self-connection. What happens next when we have demonstrated and accepted the significance of the self? What comes of mastering the "doing-ness" of life? What other level of functioning can we expand toward to satiate our underlying need to matter and make a difference? When things have been made real and have been verified – "I exist and I matter" – where does the self journey take us next?

Every phase of development has a saturation point, which is a condition of maximum absorption, a state of order allowing for the comprehensive use of resources, a fullness and completeness. When this saturation point is reached, we naturally build energy to evolve, allowing us to convert old resources – to reorganize – and develop a more comprehensive, inclusive and advanced way of processing information. From the mastery of "doing", we are meant to transition into the next developmental stage of "experiencing." There are many techniques and disciplines that can assist us in learning how to be more in our experience, giving us ways to practice and refine our ability to access this expanded state of consciousness beyond knowledge. Experiencing emerges from the natural momentum of our growth, and brings forth a maturity within our living system.

Each developmental step demands an increasing need for advancing states of awareness. Awareness is a natural response in a healthy nervous system – encompassing body and mind. Our survival depends upon it being an integral part of how we function and live. However, it must be reinforced in order to be "active" within us. Awareness is the link that reorganizes new responses in the brain. In the beginning stages, the focus is primarily in learning how to notice, which is the skill of observing the self at a sensation level. This sensory information acts as the raw ingredients to form our thoughts & feelings and is eventually organized into our perceptions – how we see ourselves, others and the world.

As new information is gathered through observation, the next level of focus is narration, which is the skill of describing whatever your awareness notices. This practice moves the vagueness of the disconnected body-mind into greater specificity as you bring a more detailed version of your experience into conscious focus. Narration is different than "explaining" in that it is not attempting to account for how or why things happened. Instead, it simply brings into the light the conscious acknowledgement that "this is what happened," referencing both the external (events & actions) and internal (thoughts & feelings) aspects of your experience. The ability to activate consciousness through reflection is a higher-brain function that we have been blessed with for the purpose of growth.

First, you develop the ability to infuse awareness into your experience after the fact. What can you notice that you missed while reacting out of habit? What did you want to have happen? Notice if you feel deprived, let down, disappointed, or frustrated, as clues to your expectations. Notice your thoughts, like "I didn't get what I wanted again." These are all signs that your ability to choose, as well as your desire or intention for a different outcome, was thwarted because your experience was on auto-pilot. Techniques and disciplines like meditation, yoga, Pilates, somatic guidance, focused breathing, body work, physical exercise, Tai Chi, dance, martial arts, singing, etc. – all support the development of a different baseline of focus to generate greater awareness. But the challenge isn't to just generate or develop awareness. Integration occurs only when we apply this awareness to our current experiences.

Many people learn how to develop awareness, but remain tethered to the technique or discipline. So even though awareness is brought into the equation, the developmental focus remains stuck in the "doing" – "I do this as a way to raise my awareness. And I enjoy the shift in my experience while in this state of heightened awareness. But eventually, my focus returns to habit as I encounter the challenges of my daily life. Therefore, I must keep going back to this discipline or technique to get back to that place of (openness, fullness, peacefulness, quiet, calm)."

This cycle of behavioral reinforcement helps us to anchor the experience of awareness as an actual state of consciousness that is real, a connection that we can lose but also regain, and therefore, can revisit as often as needed for support in our daily lives. This anchoring or imprinting is a part of the process of developing awareness. However, here is where a common challenge is encountered. The brain likes mastery, and many people become stuck in the identity that is gained from mastering the access of awareness. However, the momentum has been built within the nervous system to connect this dot to the next. Now that you have access, what comes next? Like reading the fine print of a contract, now that you are aware at this level, what are the new thoughts & feelings that emerge into your awareness in this moment? This is the step of application. Gaining access to awareness can initiate the process of change, but its impact can also be stifled by compartmentalizing it as part of the "doing-ness" – like holding it as an accomplishment. The potential of awareness becomes fully realized as we apply it to our experiences. Awareness holds the power to change our trajectory, to alter the course of our lives, and to bring our lives into alignment with our purpose for being alive. And since we will continue to have experiences until we die, the application of awareness is a life-time process of integration. It is this path of integration that is the full expression of our developmental capacity as human beings.

Even though developing new states of awareness is a natural body-mind function, in the "doing" phase of our development, awareness isn't yet recognized as a high value. Awareness requires moments of pause, which are seen as a delay or distraction to the focus of "doing." "Doing-ness" produces movement, but often either without enough focus (busyness) or with a compartmentalized focus for each action (tasks). This is a picture of many dots, but without lines connecting the dots. Awareness is the line that connects the dots. Think about a childhood coloring book with a connect-the-dots picture. Your brain sees a page full of dots. However, this developmental activity helps your brain practice a new skill by numbering the dots so that you can perceive that they exist in an order. As you draw lines to connect the dots in order, your brain sees with more efficiency a pattern that reveals new information. You eventually realize that it's not just a page full of dots, but it's actually an elephant! And this insight brings you into a new state of consciousness as you step into your own experience. Your experience is where your imagination and creativity reside – so now you perceive options, and you can choose … to envision the elephant in the jungle or at the zoo, eating an ice cream, taking a bath, assume it to be fierce or friendly; even making your own rules to invent a rainbow elephant! Anything is possible.

This is the gift of awareness – unlimited possibility. It doesn't matter whether you "believe" this state of unlimited possibility to be real. Your ability to believe or not believe in the realness of something reflects an internal state of connection or disconnection in your mind. "Realness" is not an external state of evidence. All you have to do is learn to allow your awareness to integrate into your "doing-ness." The more time you spend in the experiential realm of your experience, the more your brain will recognize that "realness" is influenced and reinforced through the way you participate in the process of your experience.

Like the signature slogan of BASF Corporation – "We don't make a lot of the products you buy. We make a lot of the products you buy better."™ – Awareness is not what you do or who you are. Awareness is what makes everything you do and everything you are better. Awareness translates your significance in an experience so you gain the nourishment you need at the core of who you are. Awareness transforms information into meaning so that you can reach beyond the access of the mind and move into the body where your spirit resides. Awareness gives you the power to change your relationship to anything. Whatever you believe is possible, whatever you have learned is true, whatever you have proven to yourself as real – awareness is the key that will unlock your full potential and give you the chance to not just live a better life, but to be the best you.