As we grow and change, we eventually connect with the need to "take up more space" in our own experiences. We feel the need to expand. This expansion causes a shift in us and in the way we live life. Since our identity provides the container for all our beliefs, perspectives and expectations, this shift has to cause change in the boundaries of our container. This container provides us with a zone of safety that fosters consistency and settledness, as long as our needs are met within these invisible but very real lines. However, as we grow and change, our needs change too. And when these familiar boundaries can no longer sustain our needs, the consistency begins to breed dissatisfaction, and the settledness turns into settling for less than what we want and less than what we deserve. At this point, the comfort of our container quickly transforms into a tangible set of limitations & restrictions that we must either adapt to or find the strength from within to free ourselves.
This is a crossroads on the path of life. One road imparts its wisdom with a familiar perspective of resignation – "minimize your needs." From an unspoken obligation that guides us with guilt & shame, we pause to consider whether we should disregard our needs in order to remain small enough to fit our old container. The road that is less taken offers a different option. This other road proposes the intriguing notion of stepping beyond the boundary of the container into unknown territory. As we reach the outer bounds of what we have always known, we face the real possibility of "crossing the invisible line." At this defining edge between old & new, we encounter the fears of our old assumptions & beliefs. Eventually, what previously felt unsafe now rings with clarity inside us, compelling us with newly discovered conviction to keep moving forward. This edge is also the "drop off" spot where we're invited to shed our addiction to smallness and take our first steps onto new soil.
To cross this invisible line, we need to harness new strength in our perspective. This is where we need to gain more understanding in how to be successfully stuck. Being successful not only requires us to realize that we are stuck, but also needs us to accept that we are stuck. 'Accepting' means to release the struggle. You may not like your experience of being stuck, but you're actually meant to be uncomfortable at this point in the process. When it's time, your discomfort & agitation will be used to supply your impending actions with the power you'll need for crossing your invisible line.
Most of the distress and suffering we associate with stuckness comes from relating to it as a sign of personal failure. Actually, apart from the interpretations we impose upon ourselves, stuckness is simply an opening for new awareness – like how an open window brings in fresh air. It's an opportunity to place a conscious narrative to what you are doing – "If I start here and go to there and can't go any further and don't have the power to change my course, so that all I can do is start over and go from here to there again, and no matter what I try to do different, I end up at the same place, then … I AM STUCK." It's simply an observation of what is. And even though you may have learned to habitually stifle yourself with interpretations of personal failure – How did I end up here again? … What's wrong with me that I keep doing this? – the truth is that being stuck is actually a necessary emotional & intellectual experience that facilitates your self-development. It represents a state of growth within your identity, informing you that your needs have changed, and that you are at a crossroads. This is a time for awareness – which means to notice, observe and be present without pre-assuming what it all means.
From here, it becomes a matter of distinctions. You've had to cope in order to minimize your needs and remain in your container. Coping with ongoing compromise causes us to become fragmented, splitting off from the whole of our experience. The adaptation process takes us into one of two coping groups. Each coping group has its own expertise, which is distinct in its expression, but linked in purpose, which is to help us manage the ongoing crisis of compromise. This unending compromise is where our pain is made real, and in the long run, leaves us depleted and in need of relief. Solace is found as we learn how to gain distance from this persistent pain. The need to remain disconnected, as a regular way of coping, eventually evolves into the highly organized art forms of controlling and analyzing.
These two ways of coping are so closely related that we really do use them interchangeably. However, you will have a main strategy that you pull toward more compulsively – a skill set that feels more natural. Even though you may have a predilection for one of these ways of coping, or may have developed the opposite skill set because you were hurt by the other side, it's important to remember that each side's efforts emerge from the shared struggle to manage the pain of compromise.
Controllers identify more outwardly, relating more to the physical aspects of safety. In the body, this sense of safety translates as TRUST. Although trust can be measured as a situational factor, the kind of trust that matters here is the internal connection to trusting. For a controller, not feeling safe compromises their ability to trust – and not being able to trust makes them feel unsafe. The strain of being trapped in this cyclical pattern is demonstrated in how intensely they become externally fixated in their focus, pushing them into an outward effort of vigilance. This effort is what we know as controlling.
Analyzers identify more inwardly, relating more to the mental/emotional aspects of safety. In the body, this sense of safety translates as LETTING GO. This skill can be honed over time; however, it is the internal connection to letting go that makes the feeling of safety real. For an analyzer, not feeling safe interferes with their ability to let go – and not being able to let go makes them feel unsafe. Caught in the struggle of this irresolvable conflict, an analyzer's focus becomes fixated with an inward effort toward minimizing the overwhelm that begins to take over.
The habitual use of analyzing is an internalized way of controlling. And the habitual need to be in control is an externalized way of analyzing. So whether the effect expresses as an inward or outward effort, when our awareness becomes disconnected and safety is lost, we fall into the distraction & misery of judgment. Both controlling & analyzing, when used as a way to diminish the fullness of an experience, are simply functions of self-judgment. Judgment is a sign that we've become too separate from ourselves and the whole of our experience. This is when we are in need of a different kind of "medicine."
Each coping group has its own "medicine" that prepares the way for crossing the invisible line. You don't have to know how you will cross this line. When you're ready, start by observing what you have been doing so you can recognize with greater clarity, "I'm stuck." Then, proudly declare your alliance with your chosen coping group – "I'm a controller!" or "I'm an analyzer!" Acknowledge it like you are accepting an award for being the best at what you do. Because, the truth is that we are capable of expressing greatness in whatever form we bring our full conviction to – so why not celebrate that courageous part of ourselves? Instead of turning a critical focus inward or outward, bring the clarity of your insight as a light to shine brightly on your self-revelation. Stand strongly and transparently as you make the choice to expose the part of yourself that you have been protecting for so long – "This is what I've been doing." Now is the time to find out how amazing you can be as you bring the power of your conviction into what truly matters most to you.
Think of your medicine as your "job" – the place where you need to practice bringing your attention into focus. MY JOB IS TO TRUST … Trusting is the medicine for controlling and draws into us through the full receiving of an inhale breath. MY JOB IS TO LET GO … Letting go is the medicine for analyzing and draws into us through the total releasing of an exhale breath. Bring your focus to whatever aspect of your breathing that feeds you your medicine. You don't have to know how to trust or how to let go. Simply FOCUS and FEEL as you receive your breath in and release your breath out, paying attention to which part of your breath is your key.
This key holds the power to open the door in the invisible wall that marks the boundary of your known container. Then, without thinking or knowing how, you will cross the invisible line. It's like life has been waiting for you all along on the other side of this invisible line, just waiting for you to be as big as you can imagine, urging you to grow without limitations into who you are meant to become. So where does your untapped strength lie – in learning to trust or in learning to let go? Are you in need of receiving or releasing as you prepare to cross your invisible line? For me, I will be releasing the exhaustion of my holding and my obligation to remaining small. I will be learning to let go without needing to know how. And I will be surrendering into the relief of a long and luxurious exhale, finding my freedom one delightful breath at a time.
