A Choice of Gratitude

Lately, I've been facing some large emotional spaces in regard to my father. It's a place inside me where sorrow runs so deep that a breathless silence can absorb all words. Throughout our relationship, I have visited this sadness often enough that, in some ways, it seems to always be there. Yet, I am still somehow surprised each time by the refreshed heartache that new levels of grieving bring into focus.

But this time around, after a short period of customary resistance, I did something different. I offered my struggle a reprieve. I decided to simply acknowledge the impossibleness of this place where my awareness stands. I allowed myself a small measure of relief in the recognition that there is nothing acceptable about the situation I am facing. There is nothing that I can figure out to do or not do to make myself more comfortable in this impossible place. Something began to ease in me as I proclaimed the strength in my misery. Something shifted from feeling so pressing and personal. I realized that I didn't need to internalize my experience in order to sort it out. I didn't need to be miserable. The situation itself is miserable. As my perception shifted wavelengths, my emotional contraction saw an opening of space. My breath spread wide as if to catch me like a net from my unending fall into overwhelm.

A friend asked me one day, "Is there anything good that you can see about this situation?" Nothing was available in my scope that day. But I recognized its importance, and the question lingered. Another friend offered the perception that my father's life could be seen as his soul taking a stand that the unbearable and unspeakable legacy of pain stops here with him. This bigger picture of soul connection felt viable, and in that moment, outweighed the importance I had placed in my worldly focus of addiction, denial and rejection. As I sat to allow these seeds to root, I came across a favorite poem from my beloved friend, Rumi.

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture.

Still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond. ¹

Through this spoken generosity, my focus came back to gratitude. These words spoke my truth. As I felt the embrace of this grace, I recognized more deeply the intimate interconnectedness of who I am today with the seemingly failed dedication of my father's existence. My father has never welcomed his emotions. He has never been grateful for whoever comes. He has become stifled in clutter and without the expectation of new delight. He has resigned his will to obligation and denial, having never discovered the courage to make a choice of gratitude. And I realized right then … where he has failed to believe, I have succeeded. What he has denied, I have welcomed. Where he has been lost, I have found my truth. All that he is and is not has been folded into the fullness of who I am … and for the gift of who I am, I am grateful.

My father's inability to rejoice in being human has birthed in me a constant celebration ~ an observance of life that welcomes and treats each guest honorably. I adore the full spectrum of human emotion and believe whole-heartedly that each has been sent as a guide from beyond. Who I am is the blossom from my own choosing to unearth this strength and offer it a place of honor in my life. But before the blossom can unfold, it seeks strong roots in deep soil. I have access to this strength because of the nutrients of my father's suffering. At least, this is what I am choosing to believe. Amidst the impossibleness, I can allow peace and acceptance to flourish from this choice.

You've also been granted this strength of choice … to access some greatness that has grown from the seeds of your parents' or ancestors' pain. How have you been graced from the pain that has come before you? Where can you make a choice of gratitude? This gratitude is your bounty from all that has come before now ~ the pain, sorrow, torment, terror, shame, anguish and disappointment have all paved the path for your freedom. It is your choice to accept the denial of past … or claim your will to draw upon the strength of your ancestors' offerings and make a choice of gratitude.

For now, I stand soaked in sorrow as I grieve my father's unexpressed potential and unfulfilled life. But I will never be lost to the torment of his past. This suffering stops here with him. My pain will heal eventually, as the strength of my gratitude washes through the fibers of my aching being until I am renewed. And I have my father to thank for that certainty. Like an abundant and cozy blanket, I will wrap my love around my father's weary spirit and honor him with my passionate conviction to make a choice of gratitude. I welcome all my emotions with an open heart and meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in as my guests, for they may be clearing me out for some new delight … and I know my father's spirit will join me in this celebration!

¹ Rumi, The Guest House, Translated by Coleman Barks with John Moyne

Humility Purified

I took an early morning yoga class and enjoyed the chance to move my body in extra-ordinary ranges of expression. With passionate reverence, the teacher prompted our attention toward a compassionate awareness of ourselves: "… lift your head, and stretch your chest forward, breathing into the bowl of your pelvis, and bring forth whatever feelings follow the purification of your humility." In that tender and demanding moment, I unexpectedly found the freedom to express an old, familiar, embedded holding in my body. I connected with a part of myself that I usually recognize as an inner effort, fighting its way to the forefront of my attention in defiance of this holding. But instead of thinking in that moment, I breathed and chose to feel. With surprising ease, I found an opening of permission and emerged into an awareness of renewal and strength.

What followed this awareness was an instantaneous download of realizations about my relationship to humility and all that this concept has pre-defined for me through the offerings of my religious upbringing. I immediately recognized the importance of revisiting this held meaning and the weaving of its overt & subtle influences in my self-development. I started with the support of a baseline definition of humility: "a modest sense of one's own importance."1 Humility is referred to as a quality or condition of being humble, which is defined as "an unwillingness to draw attention to your own achievements or abilities; reserved; not large, extreme or excessive; not showy, elaborate or pretentious."

My thoughts immediately flooded with inquiry: Why is so much emphasis put on having a modest sense of self? Diving in further, I discovered that modesty is also synonymous with "unexceptional, ordinary & plain." I understand that in religious terms, we are taught to put our earthly selves in lesser status in order to elevate our focus onto higher spiritual priniciples. However, I don't feel congruent with a model of love that compels me to feel shame and be less than while also offering that I am a divine creation. Everything inside me feels a natural draw to expand beyond ordinariness. I do feel an exceptional exuberance of aliveness in my being. And I do desire to elaborately bring my attention to this realization of personal truth. When I allow myself to embody these actualities, I feel full of grace. My heart opens with ease, and I'm inspired to give and share more of myself.

It seems that this lesson of humility was meant to instill fear around becoming "too full" of my own self and protect me from the danger of not learning the value of submitting to a higher power of support. In this way, humility was designated as the guardian. However, I see it differently now. Humility does have a role in our development; it just doesn't have to be oppressive and limiting to our self-access. We absolutely need a fullness of self to undergo transformation … and humility is the purifier. Purification restores our freedom. In that radical moment of expression, as my spine stretched forward, opening my chest to free my heart's song, the simple gifts of profound gratitude and love for all of life poured forth. I believe that this is the point … the gifts that are made transparent in us from the purification of our humility. And in that moment, humility gave birth to significance, modesty emerged into boldness, and reservation softened into a self embrace.

Now, I invite you to discover the feelings that follow the purification of your humility. Let your humility serve as a guide toward your growth and expansion rather than as a limitation to the acceptance of your promise. Bring your chest forward, stretching your spine upward, breathing wide to spread your shoulders back. Soften your gaze, lifting your chin slightly to feel the opening of your throat and the lightness of your head. Breathe deep down into the bowl of your pelvis, extending your breath all the way down into the tail end of your spine, stretching into your pelvic floor long and strong. Allow yourself several cycles of relaxed inhale & exhale in this position to absorb the power of this cleansing. In this space of gentle pause, consider what gifts have been waiting to express from this purified energy in the core of your being. And without thinking about it, just breathe it into existence and know this truth to be your own.

1 Random House Dictionary

Mothering Ourselves

In the both the personal and professional aspects of my life, I've noticed that my encounters with people come in waves. As I listen to the spoken and unspoken tones of their experiences, I repeatedly find a common focus emerging. Recently, I've been paying more attention to the ways in which people compensate for the experience of incomplete mothering. I feel like I've been expanding my appreciation for this deep yearning that aches for healing. This kind of wounding is a feeling of being malnourished at the core, an insatiable depletion that persists amidst triumphs and accomplishments. It's a spiritual ache that drives us to seek moments of pause in an attempt to relinquish our exhausted struggle into the space of steady & strong arms that can hold our worries. And yet our pauses can only be brief, as we are overtaken with the compulsion to search for more. But more of what? How do we know what will truly soothe the ache that arises when we become aware of our longing to be mothered?

We have many idealized versions of mothering that persist, even though they consistently complicate our connection to what we seek. Our models of mothering are our models for love. Given that we go forth in life to build our future from these constructs, it makes sense to me that we would take some time to review the standards we have adopted from these ideals. One prominent concept we hold of mothering is the romanticized idea of a mother "who is always there." It's a model of mothering based in self sacrifice. A definition of sacrifice is "the loss incurred by giving up something valuable." Your development as an individual invites you to find pleasure & satisfaction in navigating your own experiences, strengthening your readiness to be with yourself in ways that fulfill you. So this model of sacrificing the self doesn't really support the intention of developing a strong sense of self. As we care for ourselves, we care for our culture. We have the ability to bring a new influence into our collective consciousness as we ourselves heal so that we can learn together to build & create free from this state of loss.

Another version that challenges our sense of knowing is the concept of a mother "who knows exactly what is needed." Eventually, you are destined to be the best person at knowing what you need by learning the necessary skills for translating those needs. Otherwise, the chances for developing habits, dependencies, addictions, compulsions & obsessions are significantly increased when you put someone else is put in charge of determining your needs. You will grow in invaluable ways as you allow yourself to gain treasured understanding through the trials-and-errors of self-exploration.

Socially, we've grown to value self-care in new ways, and now, we have simpler ideas for nourishing ourselves. However, we still have the tendency to relate to our longing to be mothered through the extremes of the either giving or receiving. We either think in terms of doing things for ourselves (exercise, rest) or handing over our self care to someone else (getting a massage, eating out). These adaptations do tap into aspects of our need for mothering, but they only recognize parts within a greater whole.

Ultimately, mothering is an interactive process ~ meaning it's a process of intention as we communicate, collaborate and develop cooperative partnerships of support. It's a re-energized interaction between isolated parts of you. It's the interface of you as an individual connecting with a community of support working together in response to your needs. You have the opportunity through your healing process to not just act out your ideas of self care but to actually embody them, creating a tangible relationship where trust can be restored. The nourishment provided by meeting your needs for mothering is about validation – "I matter" – encouraging you with boldness and bravery.

So what qualities can we strive to embody in this interactive model of mothering? Tony Robbins offers his insightful interpretation of our six basic human needs: Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Connections & Love, Growth, Contribution & Giving. The longing to be mothered is a culmination of these needs as expressed in our longing to be seen, heard & known.

• BEING SEEN … is to be attentive to who you are. Who you are exists beyond the conditions or circumstances of what you do. It is the craving in the deepest part of your being ~ to BE free. Being seen is a tangible reminder of the permission for freedom that is birthed when you express your heart's yearnings. It is allowing your perception to recognize the sense of ease in who you are and granting yourself the personal space to feel ownership for your longings, desires, wishes and dreams. It's a reminder of your need for belonging.
  
• BEING HEARD … is a quality of responsiveness that reveals your willingness to be true to yourself. And this is not an "average" willingness. It is a willingness infused with fierce conviction. This fierceness allows you to be bold in your willingness to take risks on your own behalf; to really listen to yourself so that you are willing to stand strong in what you know to be true for you; to provide fortification to the wisdom of your needs by giving yourself a voice. Acknowledging your wants, needs, desires, thoughts & feelings is a tangible step that you can take toward mothering yourself. A declaration claims the truth of the present, freeing your energy from compromise and offering respite in this moment.
  
• BEING KNOWN … is to nurture your instincts, encouraging and allowing yourself the permission to grow, develop and thrive. It is the recognition and acceptance that these needs are genuine, which is really a willingness to believe in your own authority. It is expressed in how you choose to extend understanding and compassion to yourself as a pledge of conviction to your well-being and safety.

To be seen, heard & known as you are right here, right now is to be identified as valid and whole in this moment. Being attentive to yourself softens your aches. Being responsive to yourself encourages the emergence of hope & courage. Nurturing yourself nourishes the pulse of your inner wisdom as a guiding beacon for inspiration.

Mothering ourselves is an essence offered and received not through what we do for ourselves. Rather, it is transmitted through the conscious intention that guides what we do for ourselves … with devotion, focus, consideration, tender affection and unrestrained adoration. We have the ability to truly heal our longing to be mothered, instead of merely compensating for the lack we sustained in the past. The healing is in how we choose to adapt our self-understanding so that we can brilliantly grow into the kind of mother that sees us, hears us & knows us, and offers celebration for who we are becoming with our very next breath.

Giving Yourself Permission

I had the opportunity to participate recently in two very memorable client sessions. Looking at the overall healing in both sessions, they were mirror images of each other, as well as a mirror of my own healing. One end of the spectrum was reflected in the struggles of a middle-age man who was building momentum toward important changes in his primary relationship and way of life. The other end of the spectrum was brilliantly portrayed through the developing identity of a four-year-old boy who was in the middle of negotiating the obstacles of growing up in an active family. Both individuals, while in different stages of physical & cognitive development, were facing the exact same crossroads in their self development … What do I want? What do I need? What does all this mean to me? The details of their changes were obviously different; however, their shared undercurrent was the readiness to explore the personal meaning of their own experiences.

This is an essential need we have as human beings ~ to determine meaning for ourselves. And when I say essential, I mean "absolutely necessary, basic and fundamental." So how is it that we have become so habitual in overlooking this critical component of human development when assigning value to our growth as a species?

The ability to determine meaning for ourselves affects every aspect of our development as human beings. Meaning provides the internal organization that we need to adapt. When meaning can be internally-referenced, we gain flexibility. However, sometimes an internal reference for meaning isn't easily accessible. In those circumstances, we can temporarily use the support of an externally established meaning. We can transpose this outside reference into our personal experiences, offering ourselves the security of temporary knowing. But that's all it's meant to be—a temporary framework, like the short-term support that a cast forms for mending bones. There is a short window of time that the cast is an advantage to the body. Past that point, the cast becomes a hindrance to the natural development of the body part that is healing. Our wholeness requires our focus to be self-referenced, just like bones need to mend and become strong from the inside. Otherwise, we adopt a state of weakness in our being. Like a body part that starts to atrophy from a lack of use, we will become more dependent on outside sources of energy to sustain us and less flexible in our capacity for acceptance & forgiveness. The outcome of this weakening of self leads to places of addiction, intolerance, disillusionment and broken-heartedness.

In the scenario of the middle-aged client, he needed to find the courage to make new choices. He had gained the required awareness of his own changing needs. Now, he was ready to take the next step to finding his own meaning … to guide his budding perceptions, to encourage his mending heart, to energize his body and fuel his choices into conscious action. He called forth the permission to prioritize his needs in a new way, a way that allowed greater access to the unlimited potential he had long held silent in his being.

The four-year-old needed help with translating his need for space, the space every human being requires in order to explore new realms of personal meaning. He had lived his whole four-year-old life through the symbols of his father, mother & big brother, and now, it was his time for discovery. The request being made was one of spaciousness, breath and simplicity. The little boy found agreement to allow this in himself, while at the same time, his father found the willingness to release his own suffering over the struggle to understand his son's needs. Father & son inspired each other to unite in the permission to embrace their own sense of meaning, and from this place, everything else was allowed to make sense.

Permission is the key ~ an agreement to allow. We've been given lots of warnings to fear becoming "full of ourselves," so full that we risk being ravaged with selfishness and disregard for the needs of others. But selfishness isn't about being too full in our sense of self. Selfishness is born from the unacknowledged and withheld permission to connect with our own needs and have our own meaning. It's the obsessive state of concern we feel when we can't discern what is required to meet our own standards for fulfillment. The disconnection from these essential needs causes us to become fixated in our drive to feel full. We can become so desperate that we will fill ourselves with anything that comes close, but will never truly nourish us like the fullness of self.

This is why you must strive to understand what things mean to you. This meaning is the language of your needs. This meaning is the expression of your uniqueness ~ because you are the caretaker of your needs. It has been bestowed upon you to act as the best representative of your needs and to live in the way that best honors your spirit. This is your sacred agreement with yourself and an inherent bond of trust that requires you to find out what is meaningful to you.

Ultimately, this permission is yours to give and yours to have, free & clear ~ you have been gifted with this authority from the beginning. Wounding may have cloaked this truth in secrecy, but now you know, and now you are free to remember. The world has been waiting for your contribution, and the key you've been given to unlock this invitation is your willingness to find out what things mean to you. So review your rules, investigate your assumptions, and challenge your certainty. Consider where you can agree to allow more for yourself. Explore where you can give yourself more permission to be courageous.

We've been led to believe that it's all so risky to question the established meaning of things. But honestly, the real risk is not living a life that is full of you ~ full of your richness and goodness, full of your blessings and light. I urge you to boldly take this risk. You might just discover your own heartbeat in what you believe. You may just realize how lovable you are ... and how much love you have to give. It is here that you will find the courage to allow yourself to truly live.