Mothering Ourselves

In the both the personal and professional aspects of my life, I've noticed that my encounters with people come in waves. As I listen to the spoken and unspoken tones of their experiences, I repeatedly find a common focus emerging. Recently, I've been paying more attention to the ways in which people compensate for the experience of incomplete mothering. I feel like I've been expanding my appreciation for this deep yearning that aches for healing. This kind of wounding is a feeling of being malnourished at the core, an insatiable depletion that persists amidst triumphs and accomplishments. It's a spiritual ache that drives us to seek moments of pause in an attempt to relinquish our exhausted struggle into the space of steady & strong arms that can hold our worries. And yet our pauses can only be brief, as we are overtaken with the compulsion to search for more. But more of what? How do we know what will truly soothe the ache that arises when we become aware of our longing to be mothered?

We have many idealized versions of mothering that persist, even though they consistently complicate our connection to what we seek. Our models of mothering are our models for love. Given that we go forth in life to build our future from these constructs, it makes sense to me that we would take some time to review the standards we have adopted from these ideals. One prominent concept we hold of mothering is the romanticized idea of a mother "who is always there." It's a model of mothering based in self sacrifice. A definition of sacrifice is "the loss incurred by giving up something valuable." Your development as an individual invites you to find pleasure & satisfaction in navigating your own experiences, strengthening your readiness to be with yourself in ways that fulfill you. So this model of sacrificing the self doesn't really support the intention of developing a strong sense of self. As we care for ourselves, we care for our culture. We have the ability to bring a new influence into our collective consciousness as we ourselves heal so that we can learn together to build & create free from this state of loss.

Another version that challenges our sense of knowing is the concept of a mother "who knows exactly what is needed." Eventually, you are destined to be the best person at knowing what you need by learning the necessary skills for translating those needs. Otherwise, the chances for developing habits, dependencies, addictions, compulsions & obsessions are significantly increased when you put someone else is put in charge of determining your needs. You will grow in invaluable ways as you allow yourself to gain treasured understanding through the trials-and-errors of self-exploration.

Socially, we've grown to value self-care in new ways, and now, we have simpler ideas for nourishing ourselves. However, we still have the tendency to relate to our longing to be mothered through the extremes of the either giving or receiving. We either think in terms of doing things for ourselves (exercise, rest) or handing over our self care to someone else (getting a massage, eating out). These adaptations do tap into aspects of our need for mothering, but they only recognize parts within a greater whole.

Ultimately, mothering is an interactive process ~ meaning it's a process of intention as we communicate, collaborate and develop cooperative partnerships of support. It's a re-energized interaction between isolated parts of you. It's the interface of you as an individual connecting with a community of support working together in response to your needs. You have the opportunity through your healing process to not just act out your ideas of self care but to actually embody them, creating a tangible relationship where trust can be restored. The nourishment provided by meeting your needs for mothering is about validation – "I matter" – encouraging you with boldness and bravery.

So what qualities can we strive to embody in this interactive model of mothering? Tony Robbins offers his insightful interpretation of our six basic human needs: Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Connections & Love, Growth, Contribution & Giving. The longing to be mothered is a culmination of these needs as expressed in our longing to be seen, heard & known.

• BEING SEEN … is to be attentive to who you are. Who you are exists beyond the conditions or circumstances of what you do. It is the craving in the deepest part of your being ~ to BE free. Being seen is a tangible reminder of the permission for freedom that is birthed when you express your heart's yearnings. It is allowing your perception to recognize the sense of ease in who you are and granting yourself the personal space to feel ownership for your longings, desires, wishes and dreams. It's a reminder of your need for belonging.
  
• BEING HEARD … is a quality of responsiveness that reveals your willingness to be true to yourself. And this is not an "average" willingness. It is a willingness infused with fierce conviction. This fierceness allows you to be bold in your willingness to take risks on your own behalf; to really listen to yourself so that you are willing to stand strong in what you know to be true for you; to provide fortification to the wisdom of your needs by giving yourself a voice. Acknowledging your wants, needs, desires, thoughts & feelings is a tangible step that you can take toward mothering yourself. A declaration claims the truth of the present, freeing your energy from compromise and offering respite in this moment.
  
• BEING KNOWN … is to nurture your instincts, encouraging and allowing yourself the permission to grow, develop and thrive. It is the recognition and acceptance that these needs are genuine, which is really a willingness to believe in your own authority. It is expressed in how you choose to extend understanding and compassion to yourself as a pledge of conviction to your well-being and safety.

To be seen, heard & known as you are right here, right now is to be identified as valid and whole in this moment. Being attentive to yourself softens your aches. Being responsive to yourself encourages the emergence of hope & courage. Nurturing yourself nourishes the pulse of your inner wisdom as a guiding beacon for inspiration.

Mothering ourselves is an essence offered and received not through what we do for ourselves. Rather, it is transmitted through the conscious intention that guides what we do for ourselves … with devotion, focus, consideration, tender affection and unrestrained adoration. We have the ability to truly heal our longing to be mothered, instead of merely compensating for the lack we sustained in the past. The healing is in how we choose to adapt our self-understanding so that we can brilliantly grow into the kind of mother that sees us, hears us & knows us, and offers celebration for who we are becoming with our very next breath.