I had the opportunity to participate recently in two very memorable client sessions. Looking at the overall healing in both sessions, they were mirror images of each other, as well as a mirror of my own healing. One end of the spectrum was reflected in the struggles of a middle-age man who was building momentum toward important changes in his primary relationship and way of life. The other end of the spectrum was brilliantly portrayed through the developing identity of a four-year-old boy who was in the middle of negotiating the obstacles of growing up in an active family. Both individuals, while in different stages of physical & cognitive development, were facing the exact same crossroads in their self development … What do I want? What do I need? What does all this mean to me? The details of their changes were obviously different; however, their shared undercurrent was the readiness to explore the personal meaning of their own experiences.
This is an essential need we have as human beings ~ to determine meaning for ourselves. And when I say essential, I mean "absolutely necessary, basic and fundamental." So how is it that we have become so habitual in overlooking this critical component of human development when assigning value to our growth as a species?
The ability to determine meaning for ourselves affects every aspect of our development as human beings. Meaning provides the internal organization that we need to adapt. When meaning can be internally-referenced, we gain flexibility. However, sometimes an internal reference for meaning isn't easily accessible. In those circumstances, we can temporarily use the support of an externally established meaning. We can transpose this outside reference into our personal experiences, offering ourselves the security of temporary knowing. But that's all it's meant to be—a temporary framework, like the short-term support that a cast forms for mending bones. There is a short window of time that the cast is an advantage to the body. Past that point, the cast becomes a hindrance to the natural development of the body part that is healing. Our wholeness requires our focus to be self-referenced, just like bones need to mend and become strong from the inside. Otherwise, we adopt a state of weakness in our being. Like a body part that starts to atrophy from a lack of use, we will become more dependent on outside sources of energy to sustain us and less flexible in our capacity for acceptance & forgiveness. The outcome of this weakening of self leads to places of addiction, intolerance, disillusionment and broken-heartedness.
In the scenario of the middle-aged client, he needed to find the courage to make new choices. He had gained the required awareness of his own changing needs. Now, he was ready to take the next step to finding his own meaning … to guide his budding perceptions, to encourage his mending heart, to energize his body and fuel his choices into conscious action. He called forth the permission to prioritize his needs in a new way, a way that allowed greater access to the unlimited potential he had long held silent in his being.
The four-year-old needed help with translating his need for space, the space every human being requires in order to explore new realms of personal meaning. He had lived his whole four-year-old life through the symbols of his father, mother & big brother, and now, it was his time for discovery. The request being made was one of spaciousness, breath and simplicity. The little boy found agreement to allow this in himself, while at the same time, his father found the willingness to release his own suffering over the struggle to understand his son's needs. Father & son inspired each other to unite in the permission to embrace their own sense of meaning, and from this place, everything else was allowed to make sense.
Permission is the key ~ an agreement to allow. We've been given lots of warnings to fear becoming "full of ourselves," so full that we risk being ravaged with selfishness and disregard for the needs of others. But selfishness isn't about being too full in our sense of self. Selfishness is born from the unacknowledged and withheld permission to connect with our own needs and have our own meaning. It's the obsessive state of concern we feel when we can't discern what is required to meet our own standards for fulfillment. The disconnection from these essential needs causes us to become fixated in our drive to feel full. We can become so desperate that we will fill ourselves with anything that comes close, but will never truly nourish us like the fullness of self.
This is why you must strive to understand what things mean to you. This meaning is the language of your needs. This meaning is the expression of your uniqueness ~ because you are the caretaker of your needs. It has been bestowed upon you to act as the best representative of your needs and to live in the way that best honors your spirit. This is your sacred agreement with yourself and an inherent bond of trust that requires you to find out what is meaningful to you.
Ultimately, this permission is yours to give and yours to have, free & clear ~ you have been gifted with this authority from the beginning. Wounding may have cloaked this truth in secrecy, but now you know, and now you are free to remember. The world has been waiting for your contribution, and the key you've been given to unlock this invitation is your willingness to find out what things mean to you. So review your rules, investigate your assumptions, and challenge your certainty. Consider where you can agree to allow more for yourself. Explore where you can give yourself more permission to be courageous.
We've been led to believe that it's all so risky to question the established meaning of things. But honestly, the real risk is not living a life that is full of you ~ full of your richness and goodness, full of your blessings and light. I urge you to boldly take this risk. You might just discover your own heartbeat in what you believe. You may just realize how lovable you are ... and how much love you have to give. It is here that you will find the courage to allow yourself to truly live.
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