The In-Between Spaces

It keeps catching my attention how we have a collective preference for particular parts of the growth process. It makes complete sense to me why we "prefer" to be in the focused, patient, grateful and calm spaces of our experience. I understand why we want to be seen as standing in the opening of harnessed potential. This yield of personal power plants us on stable ground. And when given the opportunity to expose ourselves, we are clearly met with greater receptivity when we share from these more accessible places. But what do we do with ourselves when we are in-between these places? Collectively, we try our best to avoid being too immersed in the discomfort of the 'in-between' spaces, those gaps of transition where life seems to unravel, prompting us to feel anxious and uncertain about sharing these happenings with one another. All this effort to avoid passes along the message, "You better not go there! People won't like it; they won't know how to relate to you. Just be "normal," and say 'everything's okay.' Whatever you do, don't act too disoriented."

But really, that's all it is – disorientation. And yet, we've made it up to be this space of instability that is unsafe and scary, reminding each other to stay in the 'positive' and not give into the 'negativity.' We've become convinced that disorientation will lead us to a place where we have no control – rather than recognizing that this space is where we no longer need the control that keeps us attached and resistant. Disorientation is a natural part of the growth process. It is these 'in-between' spaces of disorientation that give us the fuel for change. And when we don't have the skills to utilize these tools, then we are subjugated to the extreme swings of the emotional pendulum that offer us the limited markers of judgment and comparison to measure our experiences – good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative, love/hate, gain/loss, etc. Pause for a moment to reflect upon which extremes you have employed because you were unable to be present with the 'in-between' spaces of your experience.

It is a powerful tool to be able to openly acknowledge your disorientation. Sometimes, it's enough to acknowledge it with yourself by stating aloud: "I feel disoriented," or "I am disoriented right now." Aligning your conscious attention with what you are experiencing in the moment allows you to bring the power of acceptance into your awareness – to crystallize the wisdom that's needing to be extracted. Many people are challenged by the idea that if they bring their attention to what they are feeling, and it's not a feeling that they want to be having, then by acknowledging it, they are emphasizing and validating it – that by giving their "acceptance" to it, they are agreeing with it and inviting it to stay. But what's the other side of acceptance? Resistance – which is a polarized state of attraction that needs to keep a vigilant focus on what it is resisting in order to maintain its opposition. Therefore, the experience that you "don't want to be having" has to remain intact – because it's your point of attachment.

Your acceptance is a form of agreement, but not agreement for things to stay the same. The spirit of nature is change. You can do your best to resist this natural order, but change will still take place. Your willingness to acknowledge your disorientation brings you into conscious partnership with the nature of life. It allows you to be in alignment with the part of you that is needing to grow. Once you can allow yourself to make this connection, your state of consciousness can integrate the understanding that's needed and can then be transformed. At this point, this state of focused intensity is no longer needed, and is therefore released.

So, what does disorientation look like? It covers a portion of the emotional range that every human being experiences. It's not the more pleasant aspects of our emotional capacity, but remember that these are the experiences that give us the fuel to move in-between the extremes – offering a more efficient and thorough path of movement toward change. Think about the difference between plane travel & car travel. They each use a different kind of fuel and offer a different form of transport – movement – between here and there. Plane fuel burns hotter, with more intensity. It requires a more concentrated state of interaction but provides the more organized and effective path to create a shift in our location. Driving is different in the way it utilizes fuel, consuming more resources of time, effort, and attention to eventually transfer you to a new location, often in a more depleted stated in need of recovery. Car travel is like using the extremes to cause growth. The 'in-between' spaces of emotion burn hotter as fuel, and are definitely the more intense aspects of our experience to be present with, but this is also the most resourceful and effective path for growing.

We need to learn how to allow ourselves to go into states of disorientation with more acceptance – the 'in-between' spaces of agitation, impatience, frustration, annoyance, dissatisfaction, unsettledness, uncertainty and restlessness. These states of emotion bring us into questioning, so we can examine our motives, beliefs, expectations, and the results that we create from these undercurrents. They help us to build internal heat for making changes. We need this fuel to get "fed-up" with the way things are in our lives, so we will feel compelled to take risks and move beyond the familiar. We need to feel the impetus to lift our heads and look around at all the possibilities in life, and to question, "What else is possible?" We need to feel the desire to examine our wants, rather than assuming we're the same as everyone, even the same as ourselves in the past. It is essential that we be able to culminate our generalized feelings into a specific response, like when we can finally realize that we've had enough. This is part of our manifestation toolbox. It is part of our innate ability to become aware of ourselves in a new way that can cause us to realize a new way of interacting with our lives. It's how we learn that just because things don't feel "good," it doesn't automatically mean that they are "bad," and that we don't have to make things "wrong," including ourselves, in order to cause change to make life "right" for us. By bringing acceptance to our disorientation, we pull toward ourselves the change that we are craving. This unlikely combination, of disorientation and acceptance, brings volume to the voice that reminds us of our need for change.

The 'in-between' spaces will run their natural course as we give ourselves over to the movements of change. It's an interesting duality of finally connecting with your power while ultimately letting go. These spaces are the hallway between the places where we re-orient to life and express what's next. This reorganization process is not passive, even though you are being asked to let go and allow it. It is a space of transition, which is interactive by nature. Consider the word transition – "a process or period in which something undergoes a change and passes from one state, stage, form or activity to another."1  This an opening for exchange, a conversion process leading to the evolution and advancement of the life that is within you.

So, how does it support us to continue to relate to disorientation as an embarrassing gap in the coherence of life, where we hide how we're really doing from the world? I don't find this way of relating to be congruent with the love that we are capable to extending to one another, nor the love that we are in need of receiving. I'm advocating for a new way of holding acceptance for these 'in-between' spaces. I'm urging you to openly acknowledge your disorientation, and bring the strength of your agreement to this part of your experience. Give yourself permission to be seen and heard in this place, without the posturing of shame that usually makes us withhold from others while we withdraw from life to feel bad about ourselves. Bring your gratitude into your disorientation – a little joy can go a long way to help you stand in this purifying space.

It can be intense, the waiting and the emptiness, as you feel the astringent sting, and sometimes the deep burning, of being cleared out and cleaned out with the ways you used to be. But this is the nature of growth – to destroy and then give birth, and to impart its gifts fully and completely, without the small-minded consideration of pleasantries. It comes in service with a pledge of faithfulness to take us all the way with integrity and precision. And we simply get to choose – with the offering of our acceptance or the act of our resistance. Because growth has a mission, and it installs in us the mechanisms for its success if we open ourselves to accept. It moves us into the chaos long enough to become lost enough to release our attachments. And if we're willing to be led into this hallway, into the 'in-between' spaces, then we will never become lost to our truest connections of purpose and creation. If we can redefine the disorientation as a part of the energy that guides us to heal and grow, then we can utilize this conduit like a worm-hole to move through the 'in-between' spaces with the blessings of genuine receiving and the deepest commitment to the wellness of our being as we travel the journey of life.

¹Encarta Dictionary

Receiving Help to Let Go and Grow

Letting go is such an important ingredient in the recipe of our growth. Without the ability to let go, we risk becoming blocked by our own resistance. Resistance is a challenging but normal reaction to growth and change. And in perfect design, we are also provided with a natural "balancer," like a circuit breaker, for when the voltage of our resistance gets too full. Letting go is the instinctive mechanism for relieving this pressure and keeping the fullness where it is most needed to guide our growth – in connection to our experiences, rather than in resistance to them.

As a way to maximize our ability to release and let go, we must challenge ourselves to learn how to receive help. It can sound so simple in words, but accepting help is one of the most difficult experiences for people to allow. Yet, the fact of the matter is that each and every one of us is born with the genuine need to receive help in order to grow. We cannot do all the growing we need to do in a lifetime all by ourselves, all on our own, not if we intend to develop, change and mature into our fullest potential. So it turns out to be extremely central to the success of our growth that we be able to receive the help we need so we can learn to let go.

To our advantage, we are born with the innate ability to receive. As infants, we are dependent upon receiving assistance to meet our basic needs. Even at this very young age, we are being programmed in how to interact with receiving. We are learning to discern whether the resources of assistance are scarce or abundant – if we can depend upon the consistent availability of help, or if we instead need to fight our way through a maze of uncertainties and obligations. This is the time that, ideally, we are learning to believe in the sincere act of giving that will plant the seeds for growing trust throughout the rest of our lives.

Since this initial programming is not a constant for everyone, we must accept that the full scope of this responsibility rests with each one of us to continue learning how to receive the help we need. Symptoms are a great reminder that we are in need of bringing more presence to our experience. Symptoms are the body's way of sending a signal for help to the conscious part of our brain, giving us a chance to respond by assessing our options and taking action toward relief. Sometimes, a simple shift in the way we're paying attention to our needs is the action that's most needed. Becoming more aware of how we care for ourselves is always the "right" response; and, at times, our symptoms will challenge us to reach beyond ourselves for the guidance we need to bring relief.

Here is where the process of receiving help has gotten muddled. As mainstream medical philosophy has continued to promote pharmaceutical solutions, the more immediate focus of relieving pain has circumvented the natural process of learning to receive help. Instead of taking the steps toward receiving true help, we have learned to reach for drugs of all kinds that promise us relief. And the more that we take this intervening action, rather than learning how to respond to our unmet needs, we confuse our ability to recognize true relief – which distinguishes itself with the effect of opening us into expanded states of growth and freedom rather than only mitigating the pain. There is necessary support in easing pain; however, so much possibility is lost as we inhibit our real potential for growth by making this our primary focus. The purpose of mastering this process of receiving is to bring about the safety we need for increasing our ability to feel ourselves in a more whole way, which naturally leads us to new opportunities of letting go and receiving goodness.

The steps of this process are simple, so simple that they may seem apparent enough to not need explanation or instruction. But, I think that sometimes, when things are so simple, we assume that somehow everyone "just knows" what to do. I really do wish that this was a reasonable assumption to make. However, much of the distress and suffering that I see comes from people not being connected enough to this simple information. Being "connected" to it means that you have integrated this understanding in a way that influences you to create daily routines for nurturing your growth and supporting change. So, I invite you to take the time to review the simple steps of this process for receiving the help you need:

                             
                              Step 1:   BECOME AWARE of your need for help.

                              Step 2:   ACKNOWLEDGE your need for help.

                              Step 3:   ASK for the help you need.

                              Step 4:   RECEIVE the help you need.

(Note: I'm offering the somatic components of each step for those who are ready to jump in and explore their experience.)

BECOME AWARE of your need for help     (Focused Attention + Breath)

How can you start to notice when your effort becomes forceful, which can easily produce strain, and then transform into struggle? To "become aware" means to pay attention, to observe yourself. The objective is to respond to your need for help before you begin to struggle. This is the point where your nervous system can get stuck in overwhelm. A response of relief is required. And, if assistance isn't received, then prolonged struggle will give way to increasing levels of distress that quickly break down into suffering – a deeper state of disconnection that leaves us feeling lost. The longer we go without responding to this cascade, the more necessary it is to mediate our loss of autonomy with external support.

How can we respond to ourselves with relief in the moment and shift the momentum away from the spiral of suffering? Your breath is always with you, and through it, you have the power to make this shift. You can make a conscious action to bring your focused attention to your breathing – sensing the rise and fall of your inhales and exhales – so that your brain can reconnect its awareness to your body. First, simply notice where you are breathing. Your breathing is meant to move your body in an obvious way, and when we become tense, our muscles can constrict enough that it makes us breathe less. If you can't notice any movement as you breathe, then this is a good reminder that you need to pause and take some deeper breaths. Visualize how a balloon fills up with air and deflates as the air releases to help you find the spot on your body that moves the most as you breathe. Then, place hand-over-hand on the place that's moving the easiest. This gives your brain extra feedback through your touch so your conscious mind can refocus on the support of your breath. Your mind needs this ability to perceive your breath in a feel-able way in order to bring about relief.

ACKNOWLEDGE your need for help     (Focused Attention + Breath + Sound)

Continue to utilize the support of your senses to assist you in getting the help you need. Use your ability to vocalize and put sound to your awareness. Start making some sound on your exhales, like a sigh. Practice letting the air of your exhale move through your throat and naturally vibrate your vocal cords. Rather than blowing out the air as you exhale, experiment with stretching your jaw open, relaxing your lips, and feeling the air release – like you do when you yawn. Allow yourself to get used to the sounds inside you. If this feels foreign, then practice making vowel sounds as you exhale. The more that you allow your sounds to come out when you are less distressed, the easier it will be to access those sounds when you are truly in need of help. Our sounds are there to help us "speak up" or "cry out" for the help we need.

ASK for the help you need       (Focused Attention + Breath + Sound + Words)

The words are as simple as "I need help." Practice saying these words when you're not in distress so they feel more familiar and friendly to use as support when you need them. Remember that it's not important to know exactly who to ask. Start by speaking your need out loud, so you can hear yourself. Practice listening to yourself in the way that you want others to listen to you. Keeping asking for help until someone responds. Ask everyone you know, and then ask them to ask others they know. When a need is allowed to be heard, a response will eventually come, so don't give up. It's also not important to know what kind of help you need at this point. The sooner you respond to your escalating disconnection, the more it is possible that simply saying these words out loud can release most or all of the buildup of pressure and bring you needed relief.

RECEIVE the help you need   (Focused Attention+Breath+Sound+Words+Actions)

Reviewing the associations you have with needing help and receiving help is a valuable action that you can take. The insights from this self-review can free you to rechoose what "help" means to you, rather than what it has meant to your mother, father and family. For example, do you identify with "needing help" as a sign of failure? "I feel like such a failure that I can't handle this on my own" – as if you are being exposed as a disappointment? Or do you relate to "needing help" as a sign of weakness? "If I was strong enough, smart enough, good enough, I wouldn't need any help" – as if your worth is being called into question? Or do you get trapped in shame when someone offers you help – "I don't need your pity." It's too easy to shut out true generosity and support when we act from the habit of protecting ourselves at all costs. Failure, disappointment and inadequacy are all states of disconnection that keep us confused about our real capacity to be fully potent in how we live our lives. Receiving help is the medicine that clears this confusion from the mind and restores our capacity to express ourselves from love.

It is possible that you can learn to understand your need for receiving help in a new way – one that can lead you in a different direction toward a fresh experience. Can you allow yourself to imagine that needing help is a sign of your growing wholeness that tells you it's time for change? "Because I am ready to grow, now is the right time to receive the help I need so I can assist myself in making the best possible changes for my life and my future." You can choose to re-associate how you relate to your need for help, which will ultimately cause you to make new decisions and take new actions. These new connections have the power to reorient your compass and alter your course, bringing a spark of brilliance into your inspired ability to create a new direction for your life – one that leads to discovering the joy in receiving the help you need, so you can really let go … and grow beyond your expectations!