I continue to see that our inability to give ourselves permission for what we really want and need is a true undercurrent to so many of the “self-defeating” behaviors and chronic dissatisfaction that we experience in life. One of the most common stumbling blocks is the fear of allowing ourselves to have too much permission – feeling anxious that we will transform into unruly children, running amok without supervision, acting from our urges without regard to the consequences. Our ego selves are susceptible to being dominated by these intense urges – this is the “all-or-nothing” part of us. And it is the potential for this kind of imbalance that highlights why it is so imperative that we strive to grow stronger in our whole sense of self so as to provide ourselves with better guidance for making choices.
The ego self, as clarified by Freudian psychology, is the part of our mind that we use for planning, expressing control and conforming to reality. It also helps us to develop as individuals, making distinctions from ourselves and others as a way to discover our own sense of importance and worth. We can fall into imbalance when our egos play too much or too little of a part in our identity. Balance is naturally supported when our ego selves are held in relationship to a larger, more whole state of awareness about ourselves. The different parts provide stability within the whole by being in relationship to one another so that they can grow in relationship to each other.
However, this is where we often get stuck. Different parts of us sometimes hold opposing perspectives – differing thoughts and feelings that create conflict within us. This sense of conflictedness holds us back from being able to respond to the real needs and desires that allow us to grow as individuals. We can become so conflicted from not having the permission to respond to what we know we need, that we, instead, shut down to even listening to ourselves with the idea that “it’s easier to just not know.”
The challenge is that those communication signals don’t go away just because we stop listening. They get re-routed, and as the Self gets thrown out-of-balance from this build-up of unexpressed growth, our egos begin to merge these re-directed signals into their habitual “all-or-nothing” view of life. We have a sense that something needs our permission, but with our inner cues in chaos, we’re prone to misinterpretation. Instead of giving ourselves the permission we need to not have so much pressure, we offer in its place the permission to over-indulge in outlets of relief. As an alternative to giving ourselves permission to not be so vigilantly in control of life, we instead determine that it’s okay to ingest things that alter our brain chemistry so we feel like we’re getting a break. Rather than giving ourselves permission to ask for help, we give ourselves the substitute of staying up too late watching TV or being on the internet. We are trying our best to respond because we do get that a response of some kind is warranted. We just can’t seem to untangle the signals so that we hear the messages clearly. Even if we do reconnect with the message that we need and want something more, we still have to face the original challenge of our unresolved conflicts.
Where do we go from here? Reconnecting our awareness to this cycle of growth is the first step. Recognizing that you are stuck in not being able to give yourself the permission you need is a powerful place to stand as a starting point. Then you can begin to allow a dialogue to occur between the different parts that are stuck in conflict. Start by choosing to listen – listen to each side’s perspective as you would if two people you cared about were in a conflict. Write down what you hear, with the agreement to not change anything about the way you hear it. Listening comes before interpreting, and listening is about accepting the expression as it is. Once you’ve listened and repeated what you’ve heard by writing it down, then you can step back and ask, “What kind of permission is really being asked for here?” For example, wanting permission to ask for help is really a request to be more connected and have more ease in the way you live your life. The desire for permission to have less pressure is really an unacknowledged need to take a break from proving yourself and relax into the knowing that your value is constant, that you are enough. The longing for permission to not have to be in control all the time is really a request to feel more safety – to trust that your life is guided with purpose and it’s not all up to you.
So, what kind of permission do you really need to give yourself today? Equally, what kind of permission do you really need to receive from yourself today? In what way do you need to know that it is okay to feel, to see, and to have more in life? If you’re not yet able to fully get behind whatever it is that you find in response to these questions, consider offering yourself a small helping of permission to want what you want and need what you need. If you can’t change your direction in this moment, then simply practice being with yourself in a new way, allowing yourself to be aware that a part of you desires, craves, and maybe even aches for more wiggle room – to breathe a little deeper, to relax its defenses and drop its weight a little more fully into this moment of life. Just be aware that this part of you yearns to be received. Even small measures of presence can go a long way to mending the rifts inside us and melting our resistance to love.
