Developing the Awareness to Be the Best You

It remains an on-going challenge of mine to clarify for people what I do professionally. Without trying to be fancy about it, I am an "Awareness Guide." The idea of awareness as a commodity seems quite unfamiliar to many people, even though their levels of daily struggle and effort, as well as stagnancy and dissatisfaction demonstrate just how valuable and needed this assistance really is right now. We've all been taught to focus on the outcome, so that's where most of us put our attention when we focus on change. This focus at least helps us to know what we are ready to either move away from or move toward. However, most people do not have the knowledge they need to manage and participate in the process that leads to their desired outcome. This is when it is time to learn something new – about yourself, about your habits, your strategies & coping skills, about the way you think & feel, about what you desire and believe is possible, and how all these factors can bring influence to your outcome. This is the time for receiving guidance, to expedite your progress and bring integration to your results. This is the perfect time to engage the next level of your capacity in the cognitive developmental process that guides every human being toward the fulfillment of their potential. This is a time for developing awareness.

Cognitive development naturally occurs within each individual, yet it also influences the development of our collective consciousness – what we bring agreement and reinforcement to as a society and world. This is the process of how we acquire knowledge through the use of reasoning, intuition and perception – how we organize the information that assists us in navigating our daily lives. In simpler terms, it's the process of how we learn to "connect the dots." These tools give us the ability to recognize patterns and learn new strategies in the way we respond to life, ourselves, others … everything. The recognition of patterns is a natural skill of the nervous system, rather than the mind. The mind can out-smart itself, get confused, or fall under the habitual influence of familiarity and routine. However, with the help of the nervous system, body & mind can learn to coordinate the informational cues that are gained from reasoning, intuition and perception through a much more comprehensive and efficient means. Sensory awareness informs the mind of the subtle nuances that are influencing a particular pattern in the moment, allowing us to adapt and respond to this new information as we become aware of it. Knowledge combined with sensory awareness brings about a new state of consciousness called "connection."

The more we operate from habit, the less connection is needed. In the same way, the more we operate from connection, the less habit is needed – which shows us the path toward breaking through old habits when we have come to the point where they no longer serve us or the trade-off is too costly. When we are in greater degrees of distress, we tend to rely more heavily on habit – though, we do have other options. We are very capable of learning how to tell the difference between the internal states of connection & disconnection. Without this discernment, we risk generating too great a disparity in the way we assess and respond to our needs. For example, you may assess that you need to relax; however, without the self-connection to support your choices, you are likely to generate an interim response as a substitute for the real support you need – like smoking. All you wanted was the support to relax, but your state of disconnection generated a response that also put you at threat for developing an addiction and at risk for disease, while also perpetuating the gap in your self-connection to threatening degrees. The trade-off for this transitory relief comes with too much loss to the self. Your body & mind – your entire being – is meant to resist and defend against too much "loss of self." In somatic terms, this loss of essence is synonymous with the spirit leaving the body. Awareness brings light to our ability to make choices that lead toward death, as well as our capacity to choose life.

Each phase of the developmental process brings a tangible value to the self. The "doing" phase allows us to demonstrate our Self – "This is what I did. You can see it & know it, and I can see it & know it. It is real; I am real." Through "doing-ness," we portray who we want to be, how we want others to know us, and how we want to be valued in a group. These actions help move us along the path between "point A & point B," practicing what it's like to make things happen. This is the process of actualizing, making ourselves real. The mind likes this range of expression because it is visible, measurable, substantial, and easily translates into a sense of significance. We need this quality of importance to be real, so that the meaning of who we are can translate into the meaning of the lives we live. We need to know that this meaning is valid, even in the most basic way – we need to know that we matter enough to be alive.

While this basic need for significance is a driving rhythm in the courses we chart for ourselves, the momentum of the developmental process keeps us moving forward into new levels of self-connection. What happens next when we have demonstrated and accepted the significance of the self? What comes of mastering the "doing-ness" of life? What other level of functioning can we expand toward to satiate our underlying need to matter and make a difference? When things have been made real and have been verified – "I exist and I matter" – where does the self journey take us next?

Every phase of development has a saturation point, which is a condition of maximum absorption, a state of order allowing for the comprehensive use of resources, a fullness and completeness. When this saturation point is reached, we naturally build energy to evolve, allowing us to convert old resources – to reorganize – and develop a more comprehensive, inclusive and advanced way of processing information. From the mastery of "doing", we are meant to transition into the next developmental stage of "experiencing." There are many techniques and disciplines that can assist us in learning how to be more in our experience, giving us ways to practice and refine our ability to access this expanded state of consciousness beyond knowledge. Experiencing emerges from the natural momentum of our growth, and brings forth a maturity within our living system.

Each developmental step demands an increasing need for advancing states of awareness. Awareness is a natural response in a healthy nervous system – encompassing body and mind. Our survival depends upon it being an integral part of how we function and live. However, it must be reinforced in order to be "active" within us. Awareness is the link that reorganizes new responses in the brain. In the beginning stages, the focus is primarily in learning how to notice, which is the skill of observing the self at a sensation level. This sensory information acts as the raw ingredients to form our thoughts & feelings and is eventually organized into our perceptions – how we see ourselves, others and the world.

As new information is gathered through observation, the next level of focus is narration, which is the skill of describing whatever your awareness notices. This practice moves the vagueness of the disconnected body-mind into greater specificity as you bring a more detailed version of your experience into conscious focus. Narration is different than "explaining" in that it is not attempting to account for how or why things happened. Instead, it simply brings into the light the conscious acknowledgement that "this is what happened," referencing both the external (events & actions) and internal (thoughts & feelings) aspects of your experience. The ability to activate consciousness through reflection is a higher-brain function that we have been blessed with for the purpose of growth.

First, you develop the ability to infuse awareness into your experience after the fact. What can you notice that you missed while reacting out of habit? What did you want to have happen? Notice if you feel deprived, let down, disappointed, or frustrated, as clues to your expectations. Notice your thoughts, like "I didn't get what I wanted again." These are all signs that your ability to choose, as well as your desire or intention for a different outcome, was thwarted because your experience was on auto-pilot. Techniques and disciplines like meditation, yoga, Pilates, somatic guidance, focused breathing, body work, physical exercise, Tai Chi, dance, martial arts, singing, etc. – all support the development of a different baseline of focus to generate greater awareness. But the challenge isn't to just generate or develop awareness. Integration occurs only when we apply this awareness to our current experiences.

Many people learn how to develop awareness, but remain tethered to the technique or discipline. So even though awareness is brought into the equation, the developmental focus remains stuck in the "doing" – "I do this as a way to raise my awareness. And I enjoy the shift in my experience while in this state of heightened awareness. But eventually, my focus returns to habit as I encounter the challenges of my daily life. Therefore, I must keep going back to this discipline or technique to get back to that place of (openness, fullness, peacefulness, quiet, calm)."

This cycle of behavioral reinforcement helps us to anchor the experience of awareness as an actual state of consciousness that is real, a connection that we can lose but also regain, and therefore, can revisit as often as needed for support in our daily lives. This anchoring or imprinting is a part of the process of developing awareness. However, here is where a common challenge is encountered. The brain likes mastery, and many people become stuck in the identity that is gained from mastering the access of awareness. However, the momentum has been built within the nervous system to connect this dot to the next. Now that you have access, what comes next? Like reading the fine print of a contract, now that you are aware at this level, what are the new thoughts & feelings that emerge into your awareness in this moment? This is the step of application. Gaining access to awareness can initiate the process of change, but its impact can also be stifled by compartmentalizing it as part of the "doing-ness" – like holding it as an accomplishment. The potential of awareness becomes fully realized as we apply it to our experiences. Awareness holds the power to change our trajectory, to alter the course of our lives, and to bring our lives into alignment with our purpose for being alive. And since we will continue to have experiences until we die, the application of awareness is a life-time process of integration. It is this path of integration that is the full expression of our developmental capacity as human beings.

Even though developing new states of awareness is a natural body-mind function, in the "doing" phase of our development, awareness isn't yet recognized as a high value. Awareness requires moments of pause, which are seen as a delay or distraction to the focus of "doing." "Doing-ness" produces movement, but often either without enough focus (busyness) or with a compartmentalized focus for each action (tasks). This is a picture of many dots, but without lines connecting the dots. Awareness is the line that connects the dots. Think about a childhood coloring book with a connect-the-dots picture. Your brain sees a page full of dots. However, this developmental activity helps your brain practice a new skill by numbering the dots so that you can perceive that they exist in an order. As you draw lines to connect the dots in order, your brain sees with more efficiency a pattern that reveals new information. You eventually realize that it's not just a page full of dots, but it's actually an elephant! And this insight brings you into a new state of consciousness as you step into your own experience. Your experience is where your imagination and creativity reside – so now you perceive options, and you can choose … to envision the elephant in the jungle or at the zoo, eating an ice cream, taking a bath, assume it to be fierce or friendly; even making your own rules to invent a rainbow elephant! Anything is possible.

This is the gift of awareness – unlimited possibility. It doesn't matter whether you "believe" this state of unlimited possibility to be real. Your ability to believe or not believe in the realness of something reflects an internal state of connection or disconnection in your mind. "Realness" is not an external state of evidence. All you have to do is learn to allow your awareness to integrate into your "doing-ness." The more time you spend in the experiential realm of your experience, the more your brain will recognize that "realness" is influenced and reinforced through the way you participate in the process of your experience.

Like the signature slogan of BASF Corporation – "We don't make a lot of the products you buy. We make a lot of the products you buy better."™ – Awareness is not what you do or who you are. Awareness is what makes everything you do and everything you are better. Awareness translates your significance in an experience so you gain the nourishment you need at the core of who you are. Awareness transforms information into meaning so that you can reach beyond the access of the mind and move into the body where your spirit resides. Awareness gives you the power to change your relationship to anything. Whatever you believe is possible, whatever you have learned is true, whatever you have proven to yourself as real – awareness is the key that will unlock your full potential and give you the chance to not just live a better life, but to be the best you.

A Choice of Gratitude

Lately, I've been facing some large emotional spaces in regard to my father. It's a place inside me where sorrow runs so deep that a breathless silence can absorb all words. Throughout our relationship, I have visited this sadness often enough that, in some ways, it seems to always be there. Yet, I am still somehow surprised each time by the refreshed heartache that new levels of grieving bring into focus.

But this time around, after a short period of customary resistance, I did something different. I offered my struggle a reprieve. I decided to simply acknowledge the impossibleness of this place where my awareness stands. I allowed myself a small measure of relief in the recognition that there is nothing acceptable about the situation I am facing. There is nothing that I can figure out to do or not do to make myself more comfortable in this impossible place. Something began to ease in me as I proclaimed the strength in my misery. Something shifted from feeling so pressing and personal. I realized that I didn't need to internalize my experience in order to sort it out. I didn't need to be miserable. The situation itself is miserable. As my perception shifted wavelengths, my emotional contraction saw an opening of space. My breath spread wide as if to catch me like a net from my unending fall into overwhelm.

A friend asked me one day, "Is there anything good that you can see about this situation?" Nothing was available in my scope that day. But I recognized its importance, and the question lingered. Another friend offered the perception that my father's life could be seen as his soul taking a stand that the unbearable and unspeakable legacy of pain stops here with him. This bigger picture of soul connection felt viable, and in that moment, outweighed the importance I had placed in my worldly focus of addiction, denial and rejection. As I sat to allow these seeds to root, I came across a favorite poem from my beloved friend, Rumi.

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture.

Still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond. ¹

Through this spoken generosity, my focus came back to gratitude. These words spoke my truth. As I felt the embrace of this grace, I recognized more deeply the intimate interconnectedness of who I am today with the seemingly failed dedication of my father's existence. My father has never welcomed his emotions. He has never been grateful for whoever comes. He has become stifled in clutter and without the expectation of new delight. He has resigned his will to obligation and denial, having never discovered the courage to make a choice of gratitude. And I realized right then … where he has failed to believe, I have succeeded. What he has denied, I have welcomed. Where he has been lost, I have found my truth. All that he is and is not has been folded into the fullness of who I am … and for the gift of who I am, I am grateful.

My father's inability to rejoice in being human has birthed in me a constant celebration ~ an observance of life that welcomes and treats each guest honorably. I adore the full spectrum of human emotion and believe whole-heartedly that each has been sent as a guide from beyond. Who I am is the blossom from my own choosing to unearth this strength and offer it a place of honor in my life. But before the blossom can unfold, it seeks strong roots in deep soil. I have access to this strength because of the nutrients of my father's suffering. At least, this is what I am choosing to believe. Amidst the impossibleness, I can allow peace and acceptance to flourish from this choice.

You've also been granted this strength of choice … to access some greatness that has grown from the seeds of your parents' or ancestors' pain. How have you been graced from the pain that has come before you? Where can you make a choice of gratitude? This gratitude is your bounty from all that has come before now ~ the pain, sorrow, torment, terror, shame, anguish and disappointment have all paved the path for your freedom. It is your choice to accept the denial of past … or claim your will to draw upon the strength of your ancestors' offerings and make a choice of gratitude.

For now, I stand soaked in sorrow as I grieve my father's unexpressed potential and unfulfilled life. But I will never be lost to the torment of his past. This suffering stops here with him. My pain will heal eventually, as the strength of my gratitude washes through the fibers of my aching being until I am renewed. And I have my father to thank for that certainty. Like an abundant and cozy blanket, I will wrap my love around my father's weary spirit and honor him with my passionate conviction to make a choice of gratitude. I welcome all my emotions with an open heart and meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in as my guests, for they may be clearing me out for some new delight … and I know my father's spirit will join me in this celebration!

¹ Rumi, The Guest House, Translated by Coleman Barks with John Moyne

Humility Purified

I took an early morning yoga class and enjoyed the chance to move my body in extra-ordinary ranges of expression. With passionate reverence, the teacher prompted our attention toward a compassionate awareness of ourselves: "… lift your head, and stretch your chest forward, breathing into the bowl of your pelvis, and bring forth whatever feelings follow the purification of your humility." In that tender and demanding moment, I unexpectedly found the freedom to express an old, familiar, embedded holding in my body. I connected with a part of myself that I usually recognize as an inner effort, fighting its way to the forefront of my attention in defiance of this holding. But instead of thinking in that moment, I breathed and chose to feel. With surprising ease, I found an opening of permission and emerged into an awareness of renewal and strength.

What followed this awareness was an instantaneous download of realizations about my relationship to humility and all that this concept has pre-defined for me through the offerings of my religious upbringing. I immediately recognized the importance of revisiting this held meaning and the weaving of its overt & subtle influences in my self-development. I started with the support of a baseline definition of humility: "a modest sense of one's own importance."1 Humility is referred to as a quality or condition of being humble, which is defined as "an unwillingness to draw attention to your own achievements or abilities; reserved; not large, extreme or excessive; not showy, elaborate or pretentious."

My thoughts immediately flooded with inquiry: Why is so much emphasis put on having a modest sense of self? Diving in further, I discovered that modesty is also synonymous with "unexceptional, ordinary & plain." I understand that in religious terms, we are taught to put our earthly selves in lesser status in order to elevate our focus onto higher spiritual priniciples. However, I don't feel congruent with a model of love that compels me to feel shame and be less than while also offering that I am a divine creation. Everything inside me feels a natural draw to expand beyond ordinariness. I do feel an exceptional exuberance of aliveness in my being. And I do desire to elaborately bring my attention to this realization of personal truth. When I allow myself to embody these actualities, I feel full of grace. My heart opens with ease, and I'm inspired to give and share more of myself.

It seems that this lesson of humility was meant to instill fear around becoming "too full" of my own self and protect me from the danger of not learning the value of submitting to a higher power of support. In this way, humility was designated as the guardian. However, I see it differently now. Humility does have a role in our development; it just doesn't have to be oppressive and limiting to our self-access. We absolutely need a fullness of self to undergo transformation … and humility is the purifier. Purification restores our freedom. In that radical moment of expression, as my spine stretched forward, opening my chest to free my heart's song, the simple gifts of profound gratitude and love for all of life poured forth. I believe that this is the point … the gifts that are made transparent in us from the purification of our humility. And in that moment, humility gave birth to significance, modesty emerged into boldness, and reservation softened into a self embrace.

Now, I invite you to discover the feelings that follow the purification of your humility. Let your humility serve as a guide toward your growth and expansion rather than as a limitation to the acceptance of your promise. Bring your chest forward, stretching your spine upward, breathing wide to spread your shoulders back. Soften your gaze, lifting your chin slightly to feel the opening of your throat and the lightness of your head. Breathe deep down into the bowl of your pelvis, extending your breath all the way down into the tail end of your spine, stretching into your pelvic floor long and strong. Allow yourself several cycles of relaxed inhale & exhale in this position to absorb the power of this cleansing. In this space of gentle pause, consider what gifts have been waiting to express from this purified energy in the core of your being. And without thinking about it, just breathe it into existence and know this truth to be your own.

1 Random House Dictionary

Mothering Ourselves

In the both the personal and professional aspects of my life, I've noticed that my encounters with people come in waves. As I listen to the spoken and unspoken tones of their experiences, I repeatedly find a common focus emerging. Recently, I've been paying more attention to the ways in which people compensate for the experience of incomplete mothering. I feel like I've been expanding my appreciation for this deep yearning that aches for healing. This kind of wounding is a feeling of being malnourished at the core, an insatiable depletion that persists amidst triumphs and accomplishments. It's a spiritual ache that drives us to seek moments of pause in an attempt to relinquish our exhausted struggle into the space of steady & strong arms that can hold our worries. And yet our pauses can only be brief, as we are overtaken with the compulsion to search for more. But more of what? How do we know what will truly soothe the ache that arises when we become aware of our longing to be mothered?

We have many idealized versions of mothering that persist, even though they consistently complicate our connection to what we seek. Our models of mothering are our models for love. Given that we go forth in life to build our future from these constructs, it makes sense to me that we would take some time to review the standards we have adopted from these ideals. One prominent concept we hold of mothering is the romanticized idea of a mother "who is always there." It's a model of mothering based in self sacrifice. A definition of sacrifice is "the loss incurred by giving up something valuable." Your development as an individual invites you to find pleasure & satisfaction in navigating your own experiences, strengthening your readiness to be with yourself in ways that fulfill you. So this model of sacrificing the self doesn't really support the intention of developing a strong sense of self. As we care for ourselves, we care for our culture. We have the ability to bring a new influence into our collective consciousness as we ourselves heal so that we can learn together to build & create free from this state of loss.

Another version that challenges our sense of knowing is the concept of a mother "who knows exactly what is needed." Eventually, you are destined to be the best person at knowing what you need by learning the necessary skills for translating those needs. Otherwise, the chances for developing habits, dependencies, addictions, compulsions & obsessions are significantly increased when you put someone else is put in charge of determining your needs. You will grow in invaluable ways as you allow yourself to gain treasured understanding through the trials-and-errors of self-exploration.

Socially, we've grown to value self-care in new ways, and now, we have simpler ideas for nourishing ourselves. However, we still have the tendency to relate to our longing to be mothered through the extremes of the either giving or receiving. We either think in terms of doing things for ourselves (exercise, rest) or handing over our self care to someone else (getting a massage, eating out). These adaptations do tap into aspects of our need for mothering, but they only recognize parts within a greater whole.

Ultimately, mothering is an interactive process ~ meaning it's a process of intention as we communicate, collaborate and develop cooperative partnerships of support. It's a re-energized interaction between isolated parts of you. It's the interface of you as an individual connecting with a community of support working together in response to your needs. You have the opportunity through your healing process to not just act out your ideas of self care but to actually embody them, creating a tangible relationship where trust can be restored. The nourishment provided by meeting your needs for mothering is about validation – "I matter" – encouraging you with boldness and bravery.

So what qualities can we strive to embody in this interactive model of mothering? Tony Robbins offers his insightful interpretation of our six basic human needs: Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Connections & Love, Growth, Contribution & Giving. The longing to be mothered is a culmination of these needs as expressed in our longing to be seen, heard & known.

• BEING SEEN … is to be attentive to who you are. Who you are exists beyond the conditions or circumstances of what you do. It is the craving in the deepest part of your being ~ to BE free. Being seen is a tangible reminder of the permission for freedom that is birthed when you express your heart's yearnings. It is allowing your perception to recognize the sense of ease in who you are and granting yourself the personal space to feel ownership for your longings, desires, wishes and dreams. It's a reminder of your need for belonging.
  
• BEING HEARD … is a quality of responsiveness that reveals your willingness to be true to yourself. And this is not an "average" willingness. It is a willingness infused with fierce conviction. This fierceness allows you to be bold in your willingness to take risks on your own behalf; to really listen to yourself so that you are willing to stand strong in what you know to be true for you; to provide fortification to the wisdom of your needs by giving yourself a voice. Acknowledging your wants, needs, desires, thoughts & feelings is a tangible step that you can take toward mothering yourself. A declaration claims the truth of the present, freeing your energy from compromise and offering respite in this moment.
  
• BEING KNOWN … is to nurture your instincts, encouraging and allowing yourself the permission to grow, develop and thrive. It is the recognition and acceptance that these needs are genuine, which is really a willingness to believe in your own authority. It is expressed in how you choose to extend understanding and compassion to yourself as a pledge of conviction to your well-being and safety.

To be seen, heard & known as you are right here, right now is to be identified as valid and whole in this moment. Being attentive to yourself softens your aches. Being responsive to yourself encourages the emergence of hope & courage. Nurturing yourself nourishes the pulse of your inner wisdom as a guiding beacon for inspiration.

Mothering ourselves is an essence offered and received not through what we do for ourselves. Rather, it is transmitted through the conscious intention that guides what we do for ourselves … with devotion, focus, consideration, tender affection and unrestrained adoration. We have the ability to truly heal our longing to be mothered, instead of merely compensating for the lack we sustained in the past. The healing is in how we choose to adapt our self-understanding so that we can brilliantly grow into the kind of mother that sees us, hears us & knows us, and offers celebration for who we are becoming with our very next breath.

Giving Yourself Permission

I had the opportunity to participate recently in two very memorable client sessions. Looking at the overall healing in both sessions, they were mirror images of each other, as well as a mirror of my own healing. One end of the spectrum was reflected in the struggles of a middle-age man who was building momentum toward important changes in his primary relationship and way of life. The other end of the spectrum was brilliantly portrayed through the developing identity of a four-year-old boy who was in the middle of negotiating the obstacles of growing up in an active family. Both individuals, while in different stages of physical & cognitive development, were facing the exact same crossroads in their self development … What do I want? What do I need? What does all this mean to me? The details of their changes were obviously different; however, their shared undercurrent was the readiness to explore the personal meaning of their own experiences.

This is an essential need we have as human beings ~ to determine meaning for ourselves. And when I say essential, I mean "absolutely necessary, basic and fundamental." So how is it that we have become so habitual in overlooking this critical component of human development when assigning value to our growth as a species?

The ability to determine meaning for ourselves affects every aspect of our development as human beings. Meaning provides the internal organization that we need to adapt. When meaning can be internally-referenced, we gain flexibility. However, sometimes an internal reference for meaning isn't easily accessible. In those circumstances, we can temporarily use the support of an externally established meaning. We can transpose this outside reference into our personal experiences, offering ourselves the security of temporary knowing. But that's all it's meant to be—a temporary framework, like the short-term support that a cast forms for mending bones. There is a short window of time that the cast is an advantage to the body. Past that point, the cast becomes a hindrance to the natural development of the body part that is healing. Our wholeness requires our focus to be self-referenced, just like bones need to mend and become strong from the inside. Otherwise, we adopt a state of weakness in our being. Like a body part that starts to atrophy from a lack of use, we will become more dependent on outside sources of energy to sustain us and less flexible in our capacity for acceptance & forgiveness. The outcome of this weakening of self leads to places of addiction, intolerance, disillusionment and broken-heartedness.

In the scenario of the middle-aged client, he needed to find the courage to make new choices. He had gained the required awareness of his own changing needs. Now, he was ready to take the next step to finding his own meaning … to guide his budding perceptions, to encourage his mending heart, to energize his body and fuel his choices into conscious action. He called forth the permission to prioritize his needs in a new way, a way that allowed greater access to the unlimited potential he had long held silent in his being.

The four-year-old needed help with translating his need for space, the space every human being requires in order to explore new realms of personal meaning. He had lived his whole four-year-old life through the symbols of his father, mother & big brother, and now, it was his time for discovery. The request being made was one of spaciousness, breath and simplicity. The little boy found agreement to allow this in himself, while at the same time, his father found the willingness to release his own suffering over the struggle to understand his son's needs. Father & son inspired each other to unite in the permission to embrace their own sense of meaning, and from this place, everything else was allowed to make sense.

Permission is the key ~ an agreement to allow. We've been given lots of warnings to fear becoming "full of ourselves," so full that we risk being ravaged with selfishness and disregard for the needs of others. But selfishness isn't about being too full in our sense of self. Selfishness is born from the unacknowledged and withheld permission to connect with our own needs and have our own meaning. It's the obsessive state of concern we feel when we can't discern what is required to meet our own standards for fulfillment. The disconnection from these essential needs causes us to become fixated in our drive to feel full. We can become so desperate that we will fill ourselves with anything that comes close, but will never truly nourish us like the fullness of self.

This is why you must strive to understand what things mean to you. This meaning is the language of your needs. This meaning is the expression of your uniqueness ~ because you are the caretaker of your needs. It has been bestowed upon you to act as the best representative of your needs and to live in the way that best honors your spirit. This is your sacred agreement with yourself and an inherent bond of trust that requires you to find out what is meaningful to you.

Ultimately, this permission is yours to give and yours to have, free & clear ~ you have been gifted with this authority from the beginning. Wounding may have cloaked this truth in secrecy, but now you know, and now you are free to remember. The world has been waiting for your contribution, and the key you've been given to unlock this invitation is your willingness to find out what things mean to you. So review your rules, investigate your assumptions, and challenge your certainty. Consider where you can agree to allow more for yourself. Explore where you can give yourself more permission to be courageous.

We've been led to believe that it's all so risky to question the established meaning of things. But honestly, the real risk is not living a life that is full of you ~ full of your richness and goodness, full of your blessings and light. I urge you to boldly take this risk. You might just discover your own heartbeat in what you believe. You may just realize how lovable you are ... and how much love you have to give. It is here that you will find the courage to allow yourself to truly live.

Reinterpreting Your Interpretations

Recently, I was given the opportunity to revisit the interpretations that were useful to me in referencing myself and my life 22 years ago. I was surprised to find some old pain lingering in those interpretations. I hadn't focused on these memories in quite awhile and was unaware that my interpretations were unconsciously holding a marker for an outdated perception from my past. I mostly remembered myself at this time in my life as having a desperate readiness for change, an inability to bring resolution to my current circumstances, and a culmination of intensity that gave me the will to fight for my right to change my life in ways that were essential for me to flourish. I did move into a new direction of life, with new relationships and different routines, while also carrying with me the unsettled acceptance of things left incomplete. I internalized my inaccessible sense of resolution in a way that engaged me in a very personal, probing inquiry about the quality of my overall relationship to life: "Why can't I have what I want?"

As my life moved on, I hadn't realized that this question had stayed with me and become a link in my subconscious orientation to change. Whenever I would sense a need for change in my being, this unconsciously held interpretation of being unsupported through the process of change would flip on like a switch. The definition of an interpretation is "an explanation that establishes the meaning or significance of something." My interpretation established that change was a desperate & difficult process that challenged my sense of permission to have what I wanted in life. This interpretation instructed me to go about the process of change by building my internal fire of frustration, anger & dissatisfaction, finally culminating in a force of will to stand in the place of "I no longer accept this!" so as to catapult me across the chasm of indecision & compromise into greater clarity and movement toward what I wanted. This interpretation maintained the necessity for struggle in accessing and responding to my changing needs. This assumed sense of embattled effort was a reinforcement of my parents' model of change, and became a self-imposed state of suffering as I transferred this meaning into my own experience of change.

As my self-understanding has grown through the years, I have learned that my personal model for change actually involves much greater degrees of ease than I ever thought possible 22 years ago. I actually "go with the flow" really well and have a natural comfort & excitement for embracing change. As a result of my shift in self-perception, my relationship to life has adjusted a great deal since back then. However, amidst all my changes, that 22-year-old interpretation was still active. It wasn't a daily program I used in life, but it was still there as a lingering undertone that was once useful in making sense of my experiences. Even though I had moved on for the most part, my system was still allocating energy for that interpretation to be available just in case it could be useful again someday. The catch is that based on who I've become, there is absolutely no congruence in that interpretation with who I am today. I had "forgotten" about my inborn ability to reinterpret my past interpretations so that my precious energy for living was feeding who I am right now and who I am becoming in the next moment.

Our interpretations provide us with everything we need to originate and modify different versions of reality as we change. They are the primary mechanism through which we extract meaning from our thoughts and feelings. At first, we use our senses to acquire information and then mentally translate this information to form a perception. Without even realizing it, we can easily make the leap into accepting our translations as real and true. If the meaning we apply is useful to us, then we are inclined to organize our interpretations into beliefs. With consistent usage, we further refine these beliefs, expanding their usage into a full-fledged belief system. However, we also possess this remarkable ability to reinterpret our interpretations. Meaning holds different values for us as we change, and through interpretation, we assign meaning. So how is it that we so easily forget to utilize this amazingly creative ability to reinterpret our experiences?

Even though your family may not have offered you this tool, it is your natural birthright as a human being to determine what is meaningful for you and to utilize your interpretations to give you access to the meaning that will bring your life into purpose. Many people will argue that "These events took place, this is what happened, and nothing can change that." This is the statement of a mind that has accepted its own interpretations as truth. The "facts" of what has happened are what they are – something was done, said, denied or lost. But what it means is determined by you through your interpretations. Even the most harmful events don't require you to be harmed. Even the most personalized encounters can be reinterpreted to restore freedom to the perception of being held captive to your experiences. Reinterpretation is a skill that needs practice and is often best supported through the assistance of others. However, sometimes we are so ready for change that when life offers us the chance to let go of old interpretations, we simply open ourselves to a shift in perception, allowing the part of us that was being held hostage to be gently guided back to the heart of who we are now.

Even if you aren't aware of your past interpretations having a hold on you, your clarity of purpose, or the direction & momentum of your life, it is still useful to ask yourself if you are willing to take the time to review your past and see if any parts stand out as having a set-in-stone meaning associated with your stories. Sometimes, those places of perceived certainty are referenced by the remembrance of your storyline being "the only way things could have happened," or the feeling of being stuck with the way it was and having no choice, or reflected in your held judgments of someone else's actions, inactions or words. This isn't a suggestion to wrestle with your past. This is an invitation to become aware of the interpretations that give meaning to your pain, struggle and incompleteness ~ so that you can offer yourself the chance to reinterpret your interpretations in a way that empowers you to grow into your fullest potential and bring forth your greatest expressions of inspiration.

"Each of us has to come to terms with how we're affected by holding

on to an old, unevolved view of ourselves and our lives.

Each of us has to make a conscious decision to alter our world

by altering our interpretations. Shift your interpretation of a word,

and not only will it lose its negative charge, it will return

your own power to you. … Remembering we are the ones

choosing what we see is essential."

Author Debbie Ford offers further insight into the process of reinterpreting your interpretations in her book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming your Power, Creativity, Brilliance & Dreams ("Reinterpreting Yourself"—Chapter 8, pp. 123, 133).

Blessed to be a Witness

As we encounter each other in daily life, we are offered opportunities to experience one another in a place of personal suffering. Suffering is defined as "physical or psychological pain and distress." We are mostly accustomed to identifying physical suffering, as we observe someone struggling with an illness, managing the effects of disease, or coping with an injury or deformity. Psychological suffering is less accepted. We are fascinated by our capacity to engage and express suffering. We allow ourselves to investigate vicariously through movies and images of world disaster. Yet, we really don't know what to do when that "private" part of our experience is exposed in daily life.

When another person reacts from that vulnerable place of distress, we have learned to guard ourselves with ideas of threat that substantiate our defensiveness. We have adopted ideas of being "put upon" as though we believe that others have the power to control our goodness and influence us back into our darker parts. We have been taught to not let others "pull us down" as they descend into the depths of their own anguish & pain. Suffering is a very personal experience, and we've all learned to take it so very personal. But suffering is also universal. Every single human being will experience at some point in their lifetime some form of internal conflict, torment, oppression, persecution, agony or sorrow that feels unbearable. Suffering is a state of loss, which can be sudden or start as an irresolvable discomfort that produces greater degrees of struggle and pain in our bodies and being. But suffering is more than pain; it is a combination of physical, mental, emotional & spiritual distress. Given that we all have this capacity in common, why is it so difficult for us to navigate being a witness to each other's suffering?

It has a lot to do with what part of our being we live from. If we live our lives from the mind, then we are more likely to perceive suffering as a loss of control. The body is our natural resource for allowing the experience of suffering, not the mind. The mind is for analyzing, understanding, organizing, compartmentalizing, categorizing and putting things together. Suffering is a need for pause, for breaking things down, to disarm and disassemble in order to reveal something deeper. We will be as disoriented with another's suffering as we are unfamiliar with our own. As we learn to live our lives more from our bodies, we encounter the awareness and sensitivity to things deeper in our humanity, giving birth to the tolerance and compassion that brings forth the true witness in each of us. Bearing witness to our own suffering and being in service to witness the suffering of another … these are our ultimate obstacles and our greatest capacity for union, joining each of us as a link in the formation of an enhanced and expanding whole.

Through the focus of the intellect, the mind will attempt to put up barriers to being present with observable suffering. These barriers present themselves mostly in the form of judgment. We feel more comfortable when we can judge someone else's behavior as "inappropriate," usually in calculations of too much or not enough. We seem to pick up on the personal nature of another's suffering, but since our mind's perception responds with so much filtering, we end up applying our experience too personally and make it about protecting ourselves. We feel treated unfairly, improperly, victimized by the other person's place of imbalance, as though we are being challenged or imposed upon by their inability to be more in control of their own experience. We focus on how we are being affected, and how out of control we feel in the presence of suffering. We perceive that the other person's "unacceptable" behavior has the power to inflict upon us unjustified pain, which we naturally want to deflect, resist and resent.

What if we could recognize in that moment that we are receiving insight about another's state of suffering? What if we could actually make this conscious distinction and acknowledge the suffering that is present in another, and then allow our own perception to be informed with this awareness? What if this awareness of suffering didn't threaten us, but actually enlightened us as to how to be in relationship with our own experience? What if we actually felt grateful for the opportunity to bear witness to a fellow human being in this place of creative birth, with the knowledge that the fires of suffering will burn away all that is unimportant and leave only the truth to remain? What if this knowledge is our gift too?

We have been granted the unique access through suffering to see each other, hear each other, and to be known. What if the growing degree of suffering in this world is simply an invitation to stand before each other and receive the collective blessings of our oneness? Will we decline this invitation and continue to react through separation & containment, fostering self-preservation and denying our longing to belong? Or will we choose to stand in this place of honor and proclaim our existence through our infinite capacity for love and our boundless power to embrace one another amidst our suffering? We will pass from this life in time, but while we are here in each other's presence, what if we offered our hearts instead of protecting them … what if we were blessed to be a witness?

"Glory behold all my eyes have seen, have seen ...

I am blessed, I am blessed, I am blessed to be a witness.

Gather around for today won't come again, it won't come again ...

I am blessed, I am blessed, I am blessed to be a witness.

So much sorrow and so much pain, still I will not live in vain …

I am blessed, I am blessed, I am blessed to be a witness."

Ben Harper, Excerpt from Blessed To Be a Witness (Diamonds On The Inside, Album)